Nov 7, 2007
The anti-Christ, Purple Jesus, a bustle in the hedgerow, a midget manservant, Mayor Mallory, Jon Kitna, and the Great Babu
So I’m watching this show the other night on the ancient Mayan civilization. It turns out that the Mayans had this kick ass calendar that was multi-funtional. This calendar simultaneously tracked movement of the earth around the sun, our galaxy within the milky way, and the menstruation cycle of Bea Arthur. These uber-hip and transcendentally wise Mayans printed up advanced editions of their calendar (presumably to sell in history’s first calendar club scheme) and stored them in some sort of ancient U-Store-It pyramid on the outskirts of the village. The interesting thing about these calendars isn’t their glaring omission of cover girls, it’s that the calendars stop at the year 2012. Now, at first glance, I didn’t find this necessarily odd. I mean, they had to stop somewhere, right? If not, they’d still be printing them and that’s not possible ‘cause the Mayans were wiped out a long time ago. Maybe the 2012 editions were drying on the press when a rival tribe, or the white man, or a fleet of alien warships gave them the final smackdown. Maybe. Or maybe they stopped at 2012 on purpose. Hmmm.
The thought popped into my head when I caught the news of the lost book of Nostradamus. You all know about Nostra-D. He predicted the JFK assassination, the Civil War, the rise and fall of Napoleon, the rise and fall of Hitler, the famine in Ethiopia, and the multiple spinoffs of CSI. This lost book has a few more predictions among is quatraines and one of them is about the “end of days”. He states, quite clearly, that the end of days will occur in the year…..2012. Fuck! Now, this dude has predicted some serious shit. He’s not like those homeless dudes out on Times Square holding up “The End is Near” signs, no, this guy is bo-na-fide. Put his rep together with the genius of the Mayans and it’s simply too much of a coincidence to ignore.
So before quitting my job, cashing in my 401K and our life insurance policies, selling the house, leasing a killer motor home and taking the family on a long farewell tour across the fruited plains, I decided to consult some of my more religious friends to get their take on the matter. I was hoping that they’d tell me to shake myself, get a grip, that the Mayans were full of shit and that Nostradamus was nothing but a French con artist. Much to my shagrin (yes, I’m of Irish descent), they didn’t tell me any of that. Instead, I got a lot of “you know, a lot of things predicted in the bible about the apocalypse is showing up in the world right now” kind of responses. Double Fuck!! Now beyond intrigued, I asked to hear more about the signs of the apocalypse. They cited plagues and famine and natural disasters, you know, your standard end of the world movie plot kinda stuff. But they also mentioned that Satan would be on hand, working his evil, conning the masses and ultimately bringing down God’s final I’ve-had-it-up-to-here-with-you-kids ass whoopin’.
So, I began to think, maybe Satan is here now, already spinning his web. I quickly took a mental inventory of the likely suspects; Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jung Il, Michael Moore, Hillary Clinton, Rosie O’Donnell, Tom Cruise, Chris Berman,…. I jotted down the names and picked up the good book to find descriptions of the devil. I was surprised to find that he (or she) will not be obvious by look or by outward actions. On the contrary, the bible says that the devil will be charming, good-looking and convincing. A silver-tongued devil, if you will. Of course I’m paraphrasing here. If you want the exact wording, drop an email to Johnny B, he’s quite adept at quoting bible verses and Ozzy Osbourne lyrics- don’t ask. Anyway, this new information made me shift my focus. After days of thought and analysis, I believe I’ve unmasked the devil.
This person is attractive, successful, affable, and has millions of followers. This person is touted as an American success story and a courageous hero yet is single-handedly destroying our new national pastime as we speak. This person has blue eyes, a winning smile and, reportedly, a third nipple. The person I speak of in none other than…. Tom Brady. I know, crazy, right? But think about it. First of all, he played at Michigan. Strike One! Secondly, he mated with a supermodel, dumped her and left her alone to give birth to his spawn. Strike Two! He’s the male spokesmodel for Stetson cologne. Strike Three! Also, he came out of nowhere as a sixth round pick to lead the Patriots (yes him, not Belicheck, Belicheck was just a troll in a hoodie before he came along) to four Super Bowls, and his current play has relegated the rest of the league’s games to meaningless fodder, as just a mere prelude to yet another Patriots championship and thus ruining interest & passion for the game and eliminating a much-needed outlet for millions of God-fearing, beer-drinking, tailgating Americans. Strike Four! (for good measure). And if that's all not enough, he's even been spotted wearing the mark of the beast-
Tom Brady. Thomas Edward Brady. Rearrange the letters in his full name and what do you get? Mr Death And War Boy. Got chills yet? You’re on alert. We’re all on alert. According to the Mayans and Nostradamus, we’ve got less than five years to take this guy down. He’s getting stronger by the week and must be stopped immediately! The Patriots are on a bye this week and he’s most certainly sitting in his evil mansion, feeding off of young souls, listening to Bjork cds and gaining strength. When he and his evil army return to action next week, I implore his opponents to do whatever is necessary to stop him. Hit him hard, hit him late, hit him low. Even the toughest of beasts will crumble if hit properly in the knee (I learned that one from Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse). Put this evil demon out of action! Without the stage, he cannot continue to build his following and he cannot continue to ruin our pastime. We’re on to you, Mr Death And War Boy. We are on to you and soon your Stetson-scented hooves and horns will be exposed for all to see.
Shit, did I just call out the devil? Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!!! Uh, nevermind. Hey, who just posted on my blog? DJ Jazzy Jerry, I told you not to use my computer when I’m not around. Sorry about that everyone.
Now, on with the Week 10 matchups….
Auburn at Georgia-
If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now. It’s just another good ol’ SEC battle between the hedges. The oddsmakers believe that Auburn is gonna be trampled underfoot. Personally, I think the oddsmakers are dazed and confused but hey hey what can I do, they all live over the hills and far away from here. Good God, I’ve gotta quit falling asleep with the Led Zeppelin boxed set playing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to ramble on over to the ocean. I used to sing to the mountains but the mountains washed away. Dammit!
Air Force at Notre Dame-
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to two members of the Notre Dame special teams…
Falcons at Panthers-
Michael Vick and the Falcons take on division rival Jake Delhomme and the Panthers, this Sunday on ….. time out. What? Oh, okay. Again from the top…
Joey Harrington and the Falcons take on division rival David Carr and the.….what now?! Oh. Really? Okay, once more from the top, in three, two,…
Byron Leftwich and the Falcons take on division rival Vinny Testaverde and….. Hold on just a minute. You guys are screwing with me, right? Very funny. Where are the cameras? Is Ashton Kutcher back there? Ashton? Come out here Ashton, you got me, you tricky SOB.
Vikings at Packers-
Bow before the Purple Jesus! Bring him assortments of your finest Wisconsin cheeses and wash his feet in your pasteurized cow’s milk. Marvel as he turns fish into bread, water to wine, and four yard losses into 70-yard touchdowns. Get on your knees and behold his purple perfection! Speak no more of Paul Hornung or Edgar Bennett, THIS is the Lord thy tailback! Change the name of your modest village to Purple Bay or he will smite you where you stand!
Broncos at Chiefs-
The battle for first place in the NFC West. If the Broncos win, with the Chargers likely to get pummeled by the Colts, we’ll have ourselves a three-way tie for first place with all three teams sporting an impressive 4-5 record. Winning this division will be like being elected mayor of Cincinnati. Sure, you’re mayor, but you have no real power and you’re still an unathletic bean pole with some, ahem, tendencies.
Bills at Dolphins-
The Fins march to a perfect season continues in front of their home crowd of Central American immigrants this Sunday. I’ll be there selling tacos, tamales, unregistered handguns, and souvenir t-shirts that read “Miami Dolphins 2007: Smells like fish, tastes like 0-16”. I plan to spend my outrageous profits on the purchase of a lavish beach house and a midget manservant whose talents include cooking and whore wrangling. Yes, whore wrangling.
Rams at Saints-
Speaking of 0-16….
Browns at Steelers-
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour has officially been cancelled. Please redeem your unused tickets at any of your local IHOPs for a buttered stack of flapjacks and an urn of coffee.
Jaguars at Titans-
Vince Young is the 33rd (yes 33rd) rated quarterback in the league right now, sufering the ills of The Madden Curse, yet the Titans are an unbelievable 6-2.
It's like I always say, never, EVER underestimate the power of the porn ‘stache.
Eagles at Redskins-
This just in: Andy Reid’s sons were just signed by the Bengals.
(yep, that one hurt a little but I had to do it.)
Bengals at Ravens-
The Bengals defense is on pace to set the record for most yardage given up in a season. The current record was set by France in 1940.
Lions at Cardinals-
Time for this week’s pop quiz…
If you claim to talk to God, you guarantee a double-digit win total, and your team starts off 5-2, how do you celebrate?
a) Saying grace and then enjoying a nice dinner with friends and family
b) Sharing your good fortune with the less fortunate
c) Reading scripture and spending time on the practice field
d) Going to a Halloween party with your wife dressed as a naked guy and a drive-thru girl, thus embarrassing one of your team’s coaches who was busted earlier in the season for going thru a drive thru with no clothes on.
e) Staying with the skinhead look and looking eerily like my neighbor Chris.
Answer: d) and e)
Cowboys at Giants-
The Big D vs The Big Apple.
The Big Dapple.
Colts at Chargers-
What’s had a more devastating effect on San Diego over the last few weeks, wildfires or Norv Turner?
Bears at Twinks (Raiders)-
How in the hell did the Bears go from the Super Bowl to the cellar of the NFC North in just nine months? Who cares. They suck. Onto more important things- what do you make of the latest twist on Heroes? Who is this Adam dude, I mean, is he Takiro Kensai? If so, why hasn’t he aged? Where the hell is Skylar? Still with the border jumpers? Has he killed them yet? And what’s up with Claire? She wouldn’t really kill HRG, would she? What the hell kind of self-respecting, tissue-regenerating, indestructible cheerleader would kill the man who raised her? So many questions. I’m sure you guys have questions, too. Anybody? Any one at all? Go ahead, don’t be shy…..Yes, you in the back…… Uh, no, I’m not gay.
Niners at Seahawks-
And speaking of cheerleaders, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!
PS- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!
Posted by Smitty