First a short movie, and then we'll get right to the matchups.
Buccaneers at Falcons-
Whew, boy. Niiiiice matchup, eh? We can’t start things off with a crap sandwich like this, can we? Hell no! Girls, save us. It’s Posedown Time!!!
Browns at Ravens-
Boller gets the start for Baltimore this week and instantly puts my old “Goddammit Kyle!” joke back on high alert. But you can’t blame Brian Billick for making the move. I mean, did you see Steve McNair last Sunday? He looked like horseshit. He now has the mobility of Fred Sanford and the arm strength of Erkel. You know what, he’s Erkel Sanford. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was talking to himself out on the field…. “Oooh, an incomplete pass. Did I do thaaayttt? You sure did, you big dummy! Lemont, throw this dummy outta here before I….Oh, (clutching his chest) this is the big one….Elizabeth, I’m comin’ to meet ya’….”
Giants at Lions-
Two teams, one appropriate joke: Your defense is like a circle. No corners.
Yeah, I know, I'm a fucking laugh riot. But seriously, even if they manage to make the playoffs, can either of these teams expect to get very far with such shitty defenses? No, the answer is no. And I can't even believe you answered that, it was a rhetorical question, like when a stripper asks if you'd like a lap dance, or when the waitress at the all-u-can-eat steakhouse asks you if you'd like another sirloin, or when Mama Squintz asks you if you'd like to play another round of "Bury the Mud Turtle". There's really no need to answer. Just wink and move on.
Dolphins at Eagles-
Ricky Williams has officially been reinstated by the NFL. Ho. Ly. Crap this is great!
An out of shape, reefer madness running back with social issues is just what an 0-9 team needs to successfully complete a perfect run to 0-16! This is truly a glorious day. Aw man, I’m gonna have to write about this in my journal. Wait, this kinda is my journal. Okay, while I’m here, um, …November 14, 2007- I tried calamari for the first time last night & it was yummy. My Dad has like totally been getting on my nerves lately. That cute girl at Starbucks smiled at me this morning. DJ Jazzy Jerry is a poo-poo head. My new favorite color is EDD761 on the color wheel. My new favorite song is Tangerine by Them Terribles. And I’m still fascinated after all these years by my wife’s big boobies.
Raiders at Vikings-
Purple Jesus will miss this one with a knee injury so normally I’d declare this one completely unwatchable. However, to paraphrase The Rock: Finally, Daunte Culpepper has come BACK to Minnesota!
Yep, he’s back and he’s carrying a big bag of poo (aka the Raiders offense). Sadly enough though, he’s been better than that two-headed, bi-racial, unproductive QB combo that the Vikes have been rolling out under center this season. Okay, maybe this one is completely unwatchable. Tell ya what, I’ll watch as long as someone in the Metrodome promises to throw eggs at Culpepper when he starts into his “Roll it up, and roll it up, and stick it in the oven and eat it all up” move. Who’s willing to do that for me? Anyone? Yes, you sir with the issues. You’ll do it? Awesome! You sir, are a true berzerker.
Chargers at Jaguars-
The Norv Turner Farewell Tour heads to sunny/crappy Jacksonville!
Chiefs at Colts-
The Horseshoes are playing like horseshit. Two L’s in a row, Peyton’s grumpy (see below)
and who can blame him. I mean, that little kid in the Colts jersey keeps whispering for him to throw it to Clark but Clark’s not playing. Stupid kid.
Cardinals at Bengals-
Chad Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Anquan Boldin, Chris Henry…this one should be a freakin’ aerial circus. There’ll be balls flying around all over the place! It’s gonna be like one of those late nite guys-only parties at Uncle Kracker’s house.
Panthers at Packers-
I have never been so certain about a game as I am about this one. I don’t want to give it away but one of these teams, I’ll call ‘em the Crackers, is going to beat the crap out of the other team, who I’ll refer to as the, uh, Manthers. It’s my Lock of the Week, and it’s yours free if you call 1-900-PIX2WIN in the next twelve minutes.
Saints at Texans-
Time for this week’s pop quiz.
When the city of Houston was granted an expansion franchise to replace the departed Oilers, there were several team names discussed. Texans won out, but only after the first choice was rejected by the NFL. Which of the following was the rejected first choice?
a) Houston We Have A Problem(s)
b) Houston Sam Houstons
c) Houston Whitneys
d) Houston Nutts
e) Houston Shit Farmers
Answer: I don’t remember.
Steelers at Jets-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
But it could be worse. This lady could be part of your fan base....
Bears at Tinks (Seahawks)-
The Seahawks are like one of those average-looking chicks back in college who hung out with butt-ugly friends in order to make herself look better. They’re sitting on their bar stool, cute face, decent ass, but sporting A-cups and some very un-sexy Birkenstocks. Next to her are three of her sorority sisters, one with a unibrow and horseteeth, another with a spare tire and a pig nose, and yet another who looks like Ellen DeGeneres with freckles and a facial scar. Unless you are seriously shit-faced or have lost a bet, after a few beers, you’re taking home Birkenstock Betty, right? See you in the playoffs, Birkenhawks.
Rams at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them… You know what, I think it finally worked. I think they are now in hell. Ha-Ha! Say hi to Bill Walsh while you’re down there, fellas!
Oh, whatever, like you really give a shit about Bill Walsh. He ever buy you a beer or help you move? Give you a reach-around on a campout that you swore to each other you’d never speak of?
Redskins at Cowboys-
Who’s more of a hands-on head coach, Wade Phillips or Bobby Bowden? Let me re-phrase that. Shit, I don’t think I’ve even seen Wade slap on a headset since he’s been in Dallas. I think they just feed him peanut butter and tell him to hold the red flag until they tell him to throw it. Maybe the Chargers should’ve done the same thing with Norvelous Norv.
Patriots at Bills-
I’d love to take a dump in Belicheck’s hoodie, pull it up over his head and tie it real tight.
Then handcuff him, throw him in a sauna and watch the melting dookie start rolling down his face. Too graphic? Really, ‘cause I thought we were at a place where I could be open….Alright, fine, I’ll go see Dr. Henderson.
Titans at Broncos-
I was talking to Johnny B about Monday Night Football last week and we both agreed that Tirico, Kornheiser and Jaworski should be stripped naked, thrown together in a big burlap sack and tossed into the nearest polluted river. If that happened, we mused, who would be our Dream Team to take over MNF? Who could take over and make us want to tune in, no matter how crappy the matchup? Johnny B’s three were Dick Enberg, Chris Collinsworth and Dan Marino. Mine is me, Chuck Jones and Kim Kardashian. Are you ready for some football?! A Monday night par-taaay! We got Smitty, Chuck and Kim, we’re gonna get this night started. The stage is set, let’s hit the lights…Just me, a broke-ass homey, and my busty big-ass girlfriend are here for Monday Night!
PS- I believe I managed to work in some reference to feces in each of the matchups this week. Yes, I’m a third grader.