Oct 31, 2006
The Wake Forest Gumps, rectal bleeding, titty-touching with Tom Brady, and the patron saint of plea bargains & vendettas
It’s T-minus four hours until all the little monsters, super heroes and princesses start coming to the door begging for candy. We’ve got a bucket full of well over 500 pieces of candy at the ready and a nicely pressed mini-pirate costume waiting for our currently napping daughter. I’ve also got a pretty decent-sized headache forming off the coast of my left temple which has the potential of becoming a Category 4 skull storm before the night’s over. Plus, it’s raining. A lot. And did I mention that the majority of my family & my in-laws are headed to my house tonight? Halloween’s a great holiday if you’re a kid. If you’re an adult, not so much. Unless, of course, you go to a non-work-related Halloween party. The kind with men dressed up like women, women dressed up like whores, whores dressed up like french maids giving head in the coat closet to guys wearing Bill Clinton masks, and, of course, an open bar. Kinda like the Arquette’s house at Thanksgiving. But since I don’t have a Halloween party to go to and since I’m no longer welcome at the Arquette’s, this Halloween is shaping up to be just a wet, headachy trek through the neighborhood.
My daughter will love it, though. And that’s what it’s all about- the look on your kids’ faces, filled with excitement over getting free candy from complete strangers. Of course, you usually can’t see the look of excitement, what with the masks and all, but you can certainly sense it, or something. Or maybe it’s not so much a sense of excitement as it is a heart-accelerating sugar buzz. My nephew fills his face with so much candy on Halloween night that he gets an uber-crazy look in his eyes, like Gary Busey at an oxygen bar. Anyway, like I was saying, it’s for the kids. When it comes right down to it, just about everything we do is for the kids, right? So in keeping with that spirit, here’s the Week 9 Matchups. And remember, I’m doing it for the kids….
Boston College at Wake Forest-
Lately, I've been starting these off with a quiz. Many of you have expressed your displeasure, so let's keep it going.
Which of the following were nicknames for Wake Forest before Demon Deacons?
C) Old Gold & Black
E) All of the above, except one
LSU at Tennessee-
Hey kids, it's the annual "Test the Tint control on your televison" game. See if you can adjust your set to show off the bright lemon yellow of LSU, the bright nuclear glow orange of Tennessee, and the dingy grey of Brent Musberger's personality all at the same time!
Falcons at Lions-
I've said it before and I'll say it again; Ron Mexico is by far, hands down, the greatest herpes-infected quarterback in the history of the NFL.
Bengals at Ravens-
Bob Bratkowski, I'd like to introduce you to Rudi Johnson. He's a tough, nifty running back who has put up back-to-back 1500 yard seasons and the Bengals are 24-0 when he carries the ball at least 25 times. SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT GIVING HIM THE FUCKING BALL A LITTLE MORE, OKAY!?!?
Cowboys at Redskins-
Okay, here's the official word on Tony Romo's deal with the devil: One great season with a 2 to 1 touchdown to interception ratio in return for Tony's soul, his first born son, and an autographed game-worn home jersey.
Packers at Bills-
If both teams decided to skip the game & just go fishing for the afternoon, would anyone really notice?
Texans at Giants-
I think it's great that Tiki Barber has decided to retire after this season & go out on his own terms. Most people forget that the average life expectancy for an African American midget is only about 35 years, so if he wants to do something different with his remaining few years, I say more power to him.
Chiefs at Rams-
St. Louis was recently named the most dangerous city in America, knocking Detroit out of the top spot for the first time since like 1903. Makes sense when you consider that St. Louis is the patron saint of plea bargains and vendettas.
Dolphins at Bears-
Have you ever looked at the calendar & realized that you have a proctologist appointment coming up in a few days? Well, that's the same feeling the Dolphins have right about now. They know it's going to be uncomfortable, mildly painful, a bit embarassing, and just hoping to come out of it without any rectal bleeding.
Vikings at Niners-
Speaking of rectal bleeding. How about that showing by the Vikes last Monday night? On the bright side, this week they get to play the NFL equivalent of KY Jelly.
Saints at Bucs-
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Bruce Gradkowski falling back to earth!
Titans at Jaguars-
Ladies and gentelmen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Browns at Chargers-
You think Marty Schottenheimer is going to look across the field and become awash in memories of his days in Cleveland? Remembering times like when Ernest Byner fumbled the 1988 season away, or when John Elway orchestrated The Drive and kept the Browns out of Super Bowl XXI, or when one night when he was nestled all snug in his bed, some 250 miles south, in Oxford, Ohio his daughter was having drunken monkey sex with my college roommate?
Broncos at Steelers-
Just for the record, I've got Week 11 in the "When Will Cowher Pull Big Ben and Start Charlie Batch" pool.
Colts at Patriots-
Yep, there's no use denying it, Tom Brady is the man...
Raiders at Seahawks-
Just in case you have any doubts about the curse...
Posted by Smitty