Nov 6, 2006
Bob Barker, bad sushi, Shit for Brains pot pie, and a dab or two of Sex Panther
Well, it’s official. Bob Barker is calling it a career. Bob Barker: game show host, animals’ rights activist, ladies man, is retiring next June. I gotta tell you, hearing the news last week hit me like a ton of Plinko chips. I got so verklempt that I had to take a week just to compose myself before writing about it. (Actually, I’d already written that little thingy about Halloween & was just too lazy to start over with a new topic. This is free, you know.)
For those of you keeping score at home, this marks the third and final serious blow to old ladies over the last ten years. First there was the retirement of Johnny Carson, then Dick Clark suffered a stroke, and now, almost inconceivably, Bob Barker is retiring. And make no mistake, this is the biggest and most devastating of the three. The other two were shots to the midsection but this one is a vicious uppercut to the chin that's sent shockwaves through the AARP circuit. With this one single and profound press release, the masturbatory habits of millions of elderly women have been altered forever. I mean, just who are they supposed to lube-up and rub-off to now? Alex Trebek? Pat Sajak? Chuck Woolery? Ooh yeah, maybe Chuck Woolery, he’s got chiseled features and that same tan-in-a-can look like Barker and he's aged quite well. He's still quite a handsome man.....but I digress.
This is a day of mourning for our elderly female population and I for one would like to see all rest homes flying their flags at half mast for the remainder of the week. I’d like to see President Bush offer some words of encouragement in his weekly address. I’d like everyone to take time to visit their grandmothers and give them a big hug (or at least send them one of those Hallmark e-cards. Although you’ll probably have to send it to her neighbor and ask the neighbor to invite her over to see it since she most likely doesn’t have a computer and even if she does, she probably either hasn't figured out how to use email or has chalked it up as too newfangled, or evil or something.) But most of all, I’d like to lead the nation in saluting you, Bob Barker. You’ve spent nearly thirty five years entertaining America and providing us with countless iconic pop culture moments, games, and phrases. You’ve given us the Showcase Showdown, Barker’s Beauties, The Clock Game, Plinko, Lucky Seven, the yodeling mountain climber guy, some hella-impressive on stage putting clinics, a few near-fatal accidents with the money wheel, and the whole ‘closest without going over’ method for determining tie breakers. Sir, you are an American icon and you will truly be missed. Not by me, but those old ladies and some stoner college students are seriously gonna miss the hell outta you.
For thirty five years you've stood up on stage with a microphone that looks like a fairy wand, waiting for a big fat gay guy in a sparkly suit to yell "Come on down!" just so you could play carnival games with frat kids, illegal immigrants, and people who spend their weekends shopping at flea markets. I'm not saying it's all been bad 'cause it's had its moments --
...but for the most part I'm sure the monotony and stupidity of it all has spayed a few of your brain cells and neutered your central nervous system. So, enjoy your retirement, Bob Barker. It's both well-deserved and well overdue.
Before we say goodbye, let me leave you with something. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Well, that's not exactly true. The most sincere form of flattery is a glancing smile and a wink, followed by some unconditional oral sex. But imitation is a close second. This, however, isn't really imitation, it actually has more of a mocking tone to it. Mocking is further down on the list, behind "teasing", "condescension" & "apathy", and right before "mild contempt". So anyway, here's a not-quite mildly contemptuous tribute to you. Happy trails Bobby...
Now on with the Week 10 Matchups...
Ravens at Titans-
So you break up with your girlfriend in order to date someone who's younger, hotter, has perkier boobs, etc. It's a nasty breakup, locks are changed, some of your clothes and cds mysteriously disappear, the whole deal. A couple months later you and the new girl aren't doing so well. Then you run into your Ex at a party. She's looking fantastic and she's there with some male model who just so happens to also be the sole heir to some shipping mogul from Greece. Not good times.
So what's my point? Jeff Fisher is you, Steve McNair is your Ex, Vince Young is your new girlfriend, the Ravens are the rich, Greek male model, and the party is this Sunday at LP Field in Tennessee.
Bills at Colts-
Gino Manchetti told me that he has some very strong inside information which suggests that the Bills are going to win this game outright. Of course I should also mention to you that Gino is a garden gnome who's lived in my Dad's neighbor's front yard for about 25 years. He's the very same garden gnome who's advised me in the past to do such things as purchase large quantities of Pan Am stock, to rid my closet of everything except ripped Levi's and concert tees, to go on a strict diet of cheese and beef jerky, and to grow a mullet. In other words, he's a pretty smart fucking gnome, dude.
Browns at Falcons-
The Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour heads to A-Town!
Packers at Vikings-
Dear Minnesota Vikings offense,
You may want to try and mix-in a touchdown every now & then.
Texans at Jaguars-
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Chiefs at Dolphins-
Would someone mind explaining to me just exactly how in the hell the Chiefs are 5-3? Seriously. So they're on a pace to finish 10-6 without Trent Green at quarterback and with Herm Edwards running the ship. That's just ridiculous. Next thing you know, the country's going to be run by Democrats and Britney & Kevin are going to split up. Whatever.
Jets at Patriots-
J-E-T-S Suck, Suck, SUCK!!!
Chargers at Bengals-
I don't mean to pile on Carson Palmer because I know he's not 100% back from his knee injury but I think it's safe to say that he hasn't played this poorly since this picture was taken-
Niners at Lions-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to ........Uh, Jon Kitna has requested that I do not use the word he-....I mean, the word H-E-double hockey sticks in any matchup involving the Lions. Okay. I respect that and will honor his wishes. I will not use that goddamn word in any goddamned matchup involving the goddamn Lions.
(I know, Hell, straight to Hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, I know.)
Redskins at Eagles-
Did you think I'd forget to toss in a quiz this week? No such luck. Here ya go...
For what team did Joe Gibbs coach as an assistant before his first stint with the Redskins?
A) San Diego State Aztecs
B) Dodge City Dirt Farmers
C) North Carolina Tech Washboard Willies
D) St. Louis Cardinals
E) Two of the above
F) The other two of the above
Broncos at Raiders-
Ya get the feeling that we're just a game or two away from Randy Moss changing his name back to The Disgruntled Randy Moss? Yeah, me too.
Cowboys at Cardinals-
There are losses, there are bad losses, and then there's what happened to the Cowboys last Sunday in DC. That was a snafu wrapped up in a cluster fuck, stuffed inside of an ass clown, sauteed in some choke sauce, topped with half a cup of chopped Fuck Me nuts, and served with a side order of Shit-for-Brains pot pie.
Honestly, it was beyond ridiculous. It was ridonkulous.
You know what else is ridonkulous? The Cardinals. Actually they're ridingdongdonkulous. Speaking of ridingdongdonkulous....
Saints at Steelers-
....the Saints are going into Pittsburgh in Week 10 as playoff contenders while the Steelers are angling for the first pick in next year's draft. Two perfect examples of The Football Gods at work here. Your region gets ravaged by a hurricane & you have to spend the whole season on the road, you get repaid the next year by landing Drew Brees, having Reggie Bush fall into your lap, and going on a surprising playoff run. On the other hand, you lay a cheap shot on a quarterback and then get the refs to hand you the Super Bowl, you get repaid with the next season with a motorcycle accident, an emergency appendectomy, and a 2-6 start. The lesson, as always: Don't fuck with The Football Gods 'cause they will fuck you right back.
Rams at Seahawks-
No details yet on Seneca Wallace's deal with the devil but we have learned that Satan is set to report record earnings for the month of October. Word of this helped the stock price of Hades International to climb four points in heavy trading today, ending at a 12-month high of $66.6 per share.
Bears at Giants-
You know, Rex Grossman's a lot like sushi. When he's good, he's pretty darn good. But when he's bad, there's a whole lot of gag reflexes, dry heaving, and unwanted bowel movements.
Buccaneers at Sex Panthers-
Did someone say Sex Panther?
Posted by Smitty