After weeks of intensively ignoring the combines, shying away from all individual workouts, disregarding most team needs, and generally just napping & rekindling my dream of an alternate NFL Universe, here is my mock of the 2005 NFL Draft……..
1) Niners- Braylon Edwards, WR Michigan
Because honestly, who needs a quarterback when you’ve got Tim Rattay?
2) Dolphins- Cedric “The Entertainer” Benson, RB Texas
…And who needs a quarterback when you’ve got AJ Feeley?
3) Browns- Ronnie Brown, RB Auburn
This selection is brought to you by the UPS. Hey Cleveland, what can Ronnie Brown do for you?
4) Bears- David Pollack, DE Georgia
A bit of a reach here, but he should be an instant hit with the large Polish population in the Chicagoland area.
5) Bucs- Carnell “Cadillac” Williams, RB Auburn
After learning of the pick and thinking that he’s possibly going to lose some attention, Joey Galloway immediately calls a press conference to announce that he’s legally changing his name to Rolls Royce Galloway.
6) Titans- Mike Williams, WR USC
Big receiver reunites with Norm Chow, his former college O.C. from the OC.
I imagine they’ll high-five, they’ll hug, try unsuccessfully to find a place in Nashville that serves a decent albondago, and then they’ll immediately start working on a plan to try and get the hell out of Tennessee and back to the OC.
7) Vikings (from Oakland)- With both top WRs gone, chaos ensues in the Minnesota war room. Ultimately, they fail to get their pick up to the podium in time and get skipped. Again.
7) Cardinals- Alex Smith, QB Utah
Denny Green will stop at nothing to keep Josh McCown on the bench, no matter how well he plays.
8) Redskins- Aaron Rodgers, QB Cal
Coach Gibbs knows it’s time to replace the driver of the 05 FedEx, DC Comics, Washington Mutual, Redskin Pontiac.
9) Vikings- Mike Tice finally decides that making this pick is more trouble than it’s worth and thus proceeds to scalp the pick to Cincinnati.
9) Bengals (from Minnesota)- Derrick Johnson, LB Texas
Cincinnati jumps on the chance to continue their quest for an All-Johnson first string.
Look for them to seriously consider Magic Johnson, Don Johnson, and Notch Johnson in the later rounds.
10) Lions- Adam “Pac Man” Jones, CB West Virginia
Coach Mariucci likes him because he has a cool nickname. GM Matt Millen likes him because he’s clearly “not gay”. You have seen Ms. Pac Man, right?
11) Cowboys- Antrell Rolle, CB Miami
Dallas sportswriters & sportscasters proceed to rack their brains trying to get the words “Tuna” and “Rolle” into a catchy headline.
12) Chargers (from NY Giants)- Sean Cody, DE USC
Only guy still on the board who didn’t tell Coach Schottenheimer that he wanted to go to the Giants.
13) Texans- Alex Barron, OT Florida State
If for no other reason than to get David Carr’s life insurance premiums down to a more manageable level.
14) Panthers- Mark Clayton, WR Oklahoma
The only first-round wide receiver who can’t outrun Jake Delhomme’s rag arm.
15) Chiefs- Marcus Spears, DE LSU
It should take Chris Berman approximately 2.4 seconds to remark that Spears will now get to wear a spear on the side of his helmet. It should then take me approximately just 1.7 seconds to fire an empty beer can at the television.
16) Saints- Jonathan Babineaux, DE Iowa
Sure, he’s a bit of a reach here, but his last name is French, just like that gay fleur de lis on the side of the Saints’ helmets. Aww-haww-haww, sacre bleu!
17) Bengals- Travis Johnson, DT Florida State
We’re now at six Johnsons and counting!
18) Vikings- Troy Williamson, WR South Carolina
Still needing to find a replacement for Randy Moss, Minnesota regroups and decides to replace a cock with a Gamecock. Sweet!
19) Rams- Erasmus James, DE Wisconsin
First order Mike Martz gives to him: Cripple Kyle Turley.
20) Cowboys (from Buffalo)- Carlos Rogers, CB Auburn
Two corners in the first round? Yeah, well, just in case Antrell Rolle turns out to be as big a turd as Terrence Newman. Just in case.
21) Jaguars- Jammal Brown, OT Florida State
‘Cause big fat guys look sharp in teal jerseys.
22) Ravens- Shawne Merriman, OLB Maryland
Immediately changes his last name to Lewis and gets arrested on the way home from draft party at the local hangout.
23) Seahawks- Antaaj Hawthorne, DT Wisconsin
Still unable to drop any weight despite several diet plans, numerous diet pills, and countless hours spent naked, eating crème-filled éclairs in semi-private steam rooms, Coach Holmgren smartly opts for only guy left on the board who he can stand next to that will make him look a little less obese.
24) Packers- Reggie Brown, WR Georgia
25) Packers (draft day trade with Denver)- Roddy White, WR Alabama-Birmingham
As a tribute to the late Reggie White, Green Bay works out a deal to acquire the Broncos’ pick and proceed to take a “Reggie” and a “White”. The Packers also announce that they will be designating one home game this season as Reverend Reggie White Day. For that game, luxury suites will be on sale at discounted prices to all Hispanics who will be encouraged to show their skills by fitting as many of their relatives in the suites as humanly possible.
26) Jets- Thomas Davis, S Georgia
Bored by having nothing to do in the first round this year, Giants fans in attendance boo the pick. This behavior enrages the J!-E!-T!-S! cheerleading fireman who fires back obscenities at the Giants fans. After being challenged to come down from his brother’s shoulders and “take it outside”, everyone in attendance suffers through the awkward moments of realizing for the first time that the J!-E!-T!-S! Cheerleading Fireman and his brother are actually Siamese twins attached at the crotch and back of the neck, respectively. Very awkward.
27) Falcons- Matt Jones, QB/WR Arkansas
A quarterback-turned-wide receiver who runs a 4.4 forty? And he’s white?!?!
Vick and Jones may just wind up being the most exciting black/white combo since Crockett and Tubbs. Or, at the very least, since Todd Bridges & Dana Plato.
28) Chargers- Dan Cody, DE Oklahoma
Two defensive ends named Cody makes for a helluva post-draft press conference with the aging Coach Schottenheimer.
29) Colts- Elton Brown, OG Virginia
Because who needs a defense, really?
30) Steelers- Craphonso Thorpe, WR Florida State
Basically just replacing a Plaxico with a Craphonso.
31) Eagles- Charlie Frye, QB Akron
Rumor has it, not only does his mom know how to heat-up canned soup, but, unlike Donnie Mac, he also knows how to run a two-minute drill.
32) Patriots- Channing Crowder, LB Florida
Best day after draft headline: “Crowder to the Chowders”