It's 11:20 on a Tuesday night and I'm feeling a bit saucy. This bottle of MGD and I are going to go fast into the turns and take another lap around the upcoming NFL Draft. Let's go!
1) 49ers- Alex Smith QB Utah
Because he's just the kind of weak-armed quarterback the Niners need to keep them buried in the NFC West basement.
2) Vikings (via trade: #7 and #18 to Dolphins)- Braylon Edwards WR Michigan
He's tall. Not as tall as, say, a flag pole, but he's still tall. Maybe as tall as a street sign pole or a young tree. For a human though, he's tall.......and kinda stupid.......but with good hands.
3) Browns- Derrick Johnson LB Texas
Romeo Crennel is from the Bill Belichek school of coaching and that means two things: 1-Always select an impact defensive player high in the draft, 2- Always wear a hooded unibomber sweatshirt on Sundays, and 3- Always rub a little Miracle Whip on the upper thighs before a big game. Keeps you from chafing, what with all the sidelines pacing and all.
4) Bears- Mike Williams WR USCHe's strong, tough, tall, and has good hands. Much like a young William "The Refrigerator" Perry. Only without all the obesity, stupidity, and aroma of rotted pigs feet.
5) Buccaneers- Carnell "Cadillac" Williams RB Auburn
Cadillac got his nickname from his grandfather, Stanley "Studebaker" Williams. Likewise, Studebaker got his nickname from his grandfather, Malcolm "Model T" Williams, who also got his nickname from his grandfather, Thomas “Mr. President” Jefferson.
6) Titans- Adam "Pac Man" Jones CB West VirginiaSure, cool nickname, but his high school friends say that he had to endure such monikers as Cheese Weiner, Noodles, Jimmy Legs, and Smelly McGee before finally getting lucky with Pac Man. Fame is sometimes a struggle, people.
7) Dolphins (via trade with Vikings)- Ronnie Brown RB AuburnAnd they've still got A.J. "Touchy" Feely as their QB. Congratulations, you still suck.
I think it's safe to say that there are still going to be a lot of teams "flogging the Dolphins" again this season.
8) Cardinals- Antrel Rolle CB MiamiAn Antrel Rolle is kind of like a Samari Rolle, only less expensive and with poppy seeds instead of sesame. Speaking of rolls, has Denny Green melted out there in the desert yet? One day, they're going to be looking for Denny on the practice field and find nothing but a whistle and a pair of shoes lying in a big puddle of Bosco.
9) Redskins- Mark Clayton WR Oklahoma
Coach Gibbs is ecstatic with the pick and says he hopes that Mark Duper is available when their next pick comes around!
Strange-But-True Fact: Redskins head coach Joe Gibbs was one of the original Bee Gees. Yep, that’s right, he is cousin to Barry, Maurice, and Robin. His side of the family added the "s" onto the end of their name to make themselves sound more plural. Joe was in the group during the early, struggling years but soon got kicked out when his voice changed and he was diagnosed by doctors as being unable to grow excessive amounts of chest hair.
10) Lions- Alex Barron OT Florida State
The Lions need him to protect the blindside of Joey Harrington. Good gig, eh? That'd be kinda like getting hired as Ashley Simpson's bodyguard. There's nothing quite like busting your ass to protect a no-talent ass clown.
11) Cowboys- DeMarcus Ware DE Troy St.Here's a tough question for you: Ware is Troy State? I mean, where is Troy State? And shouldn't the next guy have gone to Troy State, too?
12) Chargers- Troy Williamson WR South Carolina
He's fast. And he’s going to look even faster with lightning bolts on the sides of his helmet.
13) Texans- Cedric Benson RB Texas
A big, powerful, dreadlocked running back from the University of Texas. Uh….Haven't the Texans' decision-makers seen the series "Revelations"? There are signs everywhere, people. Pay attention, Helloooo! (And yes, thank you, I do realize that he's going from a burnt orange cattle skull to a red, white and blue Paul Stanley cattle skull on the side of his helmet.)
14) Panthers- Jamaal Brown OT Oklahoma
Last season, the Panthers’ offensive line was as depleted as Kirstie Alley's pantry after a heavy night of depression-induced binging. This widebody from the panhandle state should help them out in that area.
15) Chiefs- Shawne Merriman DE Maryland
Aw look, Coach Vermeil is crying “happy” tears again.
16) Saints- Thomas Davis SS GeorgiaLast season, the Saints’ secondary was as depleted as Calista Flockhart’s stomach after a heavy night of depression-induced binging and purging. This skull-knocker from the dirty south should help them out in that area.
17) Bengals- Marcus Spears DE LSU
From Bayou Bengal to Cincinnati Bengal. Hope he can adjust to playing on a less-talented defense.
18) Dolphins (via trade with Vikings) - Aaron Rodgers QB Cal
Nick Saban and company trade down, still get Ronnie Brown and they get a replacement for Feeley. As the Guiness beer guys would say- “BRILLIANT!” And somewhere, Dave Wanndstache is just seething with envy.
19) Rams- Khalif Barnes OT WashingtonAn upgrade at right tackle since he probably won’t threaten to kill Coach Martz. At least not right away.
20) Cowboys- Roddy White WR UABIf he isn’t given the nickname Rowdy Roddy, I will call for a federal investigation.
21) Jaguars- Carlos Rogers CB Auburn
Fast enough and quick enough to get out of the way the next time punter Chris Hanson swings an axe in the Jags’ locker room.
22) Ravens- Justin Miller CB Clemson
Good cover corner and a great return man. Happy retirement, Deion.
23) Seahawks- David Pollack DE Georgia
Last season, the Seahawks’ defensive line was depleted as Paris Hilton’s vocabulary after a long day of depression-induced shopping & tanning. This pass rushing Dawg should help them out in that area.
24) Packers- Travis Johnson DT Florida State
Big dude. He could single-handedly eat the state of Wisconsin out of cheese.
25) Broncos- Erasmus James DE Wisconsin
Hey, didn’t Shannahan just pick up three defensive linemen from the Browns? Yes. And didn’t the Browns’ defense suck last year? Yes. Is that why the Broncos need to draft a defensive lineman here? Yes. Are Shannahan’s dentures properly fitted? Uh, no.
26) Jets- Fabian Washington CB NebraskaAllegedly, he runs a 4.25 forty. Let this be a lesson to us all. People, if you want your kid to be fast on his feet, name him something fruity like Fabian.
27) Falcons- Reggie Brown WR GeorgiaReggie, we'd like you to meet Ron Mexico. Ron, this is Reggie Brown, your new wide receiver. Please try not to infect him.
28) Chargers- Matt Roth DE Iowa
Okay, so the lightning bolts on the sides of the head don’t make everyone look fast.
29) Colts- Marlin Jackson CB Michigan
Yes, he’s a Jackson. And yes, he went to Michigan. But no, he wasn’t a member of the Fab Five or the Jackson Five. However, he is a member of the Subway Sub Club.
30) Steelers- Heath Miller TE VirginiaAs long as a loose groin isn’t important to you, he’s a solid pick.
31) Eagles- Channing Crowder LB Florida
Should immediately be put into a tounge-twisting Campbell’s Chunky Clam Chowder commerical with Donovan McNabb.
32) Patriots- Brodney Pool FS Oklahoma
Last season, the Patriots’ secondary was as depleted as Gary Busey’s beer cooler after a crazy night of depression-induced drinking. This ball hawk from the OK should help them out in that area.
Whew. Right about now, I’m about as depleted as Mel Kiper’s stash of hair gel after a long draft weekend. So, good night, and here’s hoping you grab some big busts this weekend and your favorite NFL team doesn’t.