Dec 4, 2006
The Victory Piss, the Vickettes, The Da Vinci Code, Footloose, the Bowel Trifecta, and the Ellen Griswald Face
I’ve been told that there are two types of people in this world; people who see the glass as half full and people who see the glass as half empty. Me? I not only see it as half empty but I’m wondering where in the hell our waitress is and why she hasn’t come around to refill mine yet. You see, it’s not about having a positive or negative outlook; it’s about always wanting more and never quite being completely satisfied. You stop and smell your roses Forrest, I’ll be over here feeding mine Miracle-Gro and sharpening their thorns with the horns of the bull that I’m using to provide the bunny hills of fresh fertilizer for ‘em each & every morning. Bigger roses, thicker steaks, larger bank accounts, more powerful tools, faster cars, …. It’s all about staying ahead of the game.
And it’s also about anxiety. The glass isn’t just half empty; more accurately, it’s halfway to being completely empty. Full is good, empty sucks. If you don’t believe me, go ask Chief Broken Gauges. He’s the shivering moron walking along the highway in the middle of winter with an empty gas can in one hand and an uncharged cell phone in the other. Full, good. Empty, not so good. That’s why I make sure to top-off my tank every chance I get. Sure, the plethora of $1.60 charges to my debit card is a little cumbersome when I go to balance my checkbook, but what can I say, I don’t want to run out of gas plus I love the scene at the quickie marts- Pimply Joe studying for his GED in-between cashing-out customers, the sweaty manager stocking the counter with more beef jerky, the beer delivery guy impatiently waiting for the sweaty manager to come over and sign for his shipment, the crazy homeless lady taking up counter space scratching off her loser Pot O’ Gold lottery tickets, Pimply Joe’s friends waiting in the parking lot for the manager to go into the back closet, I mean office, so they can come in and get Pimply Joe to sell ‘em a twelve of Keystone Light & three soft packs of Camels, the giggly high school girl chatting on her Blackberry & accidentally putting Diesel fuel into the new VW Beetle she got from daddy for passing her latest Phys Ed exam, and of course the weirdo in the Barney t-shirt who’s buying a curious combination of candy bars, baseball cards, cheap beer, the latest issue of Teen Beat, and a pack of condoms. And it’s all happening amidst the glow of a couple dozen 40,000 watt halogen lights and the sweet smell of gasoline and hopeless despair.
Where in the hell was I? Oh yeah- Full good, Empty bad.
No tank is too full, no fridge is too stocked, no pantry too packed, no bar is too backed, no set of breasts are too stacked…..
And, no lead is too safe.
I was out with the fellas to watch the football game last Thursday night and Johnny B pointed out my Defcon 4 Level of anxiety over the Bengals only having a 13-point lead with less than three minutes to play. I wasn’t alone in my anxiety; Jimmy and I were both lamenting the fact that the lead “should be at least twenty points right now”. We were running down the list of missed opportunities and discussing the variety of ways in which we were prepared to kill ourselves should the Bengals wind up losing the game.
Now, while I’m not sure where the need to make sure I don’t run out of something comes from (other than common sense and genetics- my Grandma Ruoff kept three 20 ft-long shelves full of boxed food & canned goods down in her basement at all times), I do know where the No Lead is Too Safe ideology comes from. You see, I’ve been a Bengals fan my whole life and I’ve lived through the Shula-Coslet-LeBeau regimes (or, as I like to call them, the first, second, and third inner rings of Hell). Vietnam vets sometimes have trouble with the sound of helicopters, long-time Bengal fans have trouble with the sound of Don Criqui’s voice. ...And feeling comfortable when our team has a lead. There’s an old saying that goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I swear to God I’m gonna put my Who Dey Hanky in the closet until you guys win again.”
Look, I know this isn’t life-or-death stuff we’re talking about here but it’s part of what makes us who we are. Someone else might be a “glass half full” guy because he grew up a Cowboys fan with a dad who accidentally struck oil in their side yard, I’m a “glass half empty” guy because I grew up a Bengals fan and my grandma stocked her basement like it was a bomb shelter. Neither is necessarily good or bad, or either one better than the other, they just are what they are. But all things considered, I’ll stick with the glass half empty crowd. Sure, the glass half full people will experience less anxiety, actually enjoy watching their team play, and enjoy smelling their relatively smallish roses but there’s nothing quite like agonizing over your team’s precarious lead only to see them unexpectedly hang on for the victory. The relief is like taking a piss after downing a few tall boys and holding them in your bladder for a couple of hours. Aaaaaahhhhhh, the Victory Piss. The glass half full people will never experience that.
And I’ll never be walking with a gas can on the side of the highway.
Now, on with the Week 14 Matchups...
Browns at Steelers-
Too bad this one can only be seen on the NFL Network. Now only 14 million people can choose not to watch it.
Falcons at Buccaneers-
Well, looks like the Falcons are back in the playoff hunt. What a strange season for Vick & the Vickettes; first they sucked, then they were unbeatable, then they sucked, now they're winning again. They're more on-again, off-again than the Paris Hilton-Nichole Richie friendship.
Ravens at Chiefs-
Speaking on behalf of all of Bengal Nation, I would like to sincerely thank Brian Billick for taking over the Ravens offense. Way to go, genius!
Colts at Jaguars-
The Colts left home field advantage and their dignity in Tennessee last Sunday. This week, they'll try to get out of Jacksonville without losing their self respect and their virginity as well.
Vikings at Lions-
The Vikings suffered a heart-breaking loss to the Bears on Sunday. This week, they'll do what all teams do when they absolutely, positively have to get back on the winning track- they'll go play the Lions.
Patriots at Dolphins-
You know what I like about Miami? I like that it stays warm enough all season long for their cheerleaders to dress like this:
Giants at Sex Panthers-
Hasn't Tom Coughlin ever seen Footloose? You push discipline on the kids too hard & they'll rebel on your ass. Mindless personal fouls, calling each other out in the locker room, questioning game plans.... Pretty soon they'll start dancing.... With girls!
Raiders at Bengals-
Should be a cake walk for the Bengals, but of course until they have an insurmountable lead, I will be thinking up ways to kill myself should they find a way to lose (and by "insurmountable" I mean 35 points with less than a minute remaining).
By the way, who came up with the term "cake walk"? Who the hell walks through cake? Why would anyone walk through cake? Seriously, I've said it before & I'll say it again, we need a weekly tv show that figures out where this kind of shit came from.
Eagles at Redskins-
Garcia. Campbell. It's the Eagles versus the Redskins playing out the string, this Sunday only on FOX!
Titans at Texans-
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Packers at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
Seahawks at Cardinals-
Time for this week's quiz....
A) Larry Fitzgerald
B) Shaun ALexander
C) Edgerrin James
D) A greased Denny Green sliding down a flag pole
E) Ooh, gross
Answer: D) and E)
Bills at Jets-
J!-E!-T!-S!, Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Broncos at Chargers-
I rented The Da Vinci Code on dvd the other day. Good movie. In case you haven't seen the movie or read the book, it's based on the premise that Mary Magdalen went from common street whore to being the wife of Jesus and mother of his child. Sure, it's a bit of a stretch but it's nice in that it gives hope to whores all across the world, like Marty Schottenheimer's daughter. Too bad for her that my college roommate Joe wasn't the Son of God.
Saints at Cowboys-
Did you see the look on Parcell's face when Grammatica 1 kicked the game-winning field goal against the Giants? I think he pulled off the coveted Bowel Trifecta by pissing, shitting, and cumming in his pants all at the same time. I'm sure that made for a nice jog off the field.
Bears at Rams-
After the last couple games the Bears players have been wearing the Ellen Griswald Face. You know, the look Ellen sported about halfway through the trip when she finally realized that Clark really was the bumbling fool she'd always suspected him to be and that there was no way in hell they were all going to make it to Wallyworld alive in the pea green family truckster.
Yep, Rex Grossman is the Bears' Clark, Griese is Uncle Eddie, and the fans are Aunt Edna. Sorry folks, park's closed. Uh-huh, Uh-huh.
Posted by Smitty