Nov 11, 2009
Louis Restaurant, a urinal cake, Swedish radicals, Midge & Therese, George McFly, an ode to Bernie Kozar, and Aaron Rodgers working in The Office
So, it seems that AMC set back my “To Do” list yet another week with the airing of The Godfather trilogy this past weekend. There are a few things, no matter how many times I’ve seen them, that always get me to stop and watch. That short list includes but is not limited to The Godfather I and II, Pulp Fiction, Almost Famous, Dumb & Dumber, any of the old Match Game reruns, Cheers reruns, and anything that includes either Kate Beckinsale or Salma Hayek (except Frida).
As I sat there on the sofa, flipping back & forth between GF I and the Giants – Chargers game, two things occurred to me: 1) a Chester’s pizza would really compliment the situation quite nicely, and 2) both the film and the NFL season, as I was watching them each unfold in front of me, were at similar forks in the road with regards to their respective plot lines. On AMC, Michael Corleone was lamenting the near-fatal shooting of his father and getting humiliated with a right cross to the face by the police captain. At the same time on CBS, the Chargers were driving for a possible last-minute go ahead score and there were some very interesting final scores scrolling across the ticker. Up until this point, we’d been left to wonder whether Michael would join the family business or continue to stand fast and walk the road to legitimacy. And up until this point, we’d been left to wonder whether certain NFL teams, including the Chargers, were going to join the playoff race or continue to walk the road to mediocrity. A few seconds later, we got some answers.
While Michael assembles the inner circle (sans Don Vito) to advise them that he wants to kill Captain McCluskey and Virgil Sollozo, Phillip Rivers is delivering a bullet into the corner of the end zone to knock off the G-Men in their own house. Clearly, Michael and the Chargers both put themselves “in”. And according to CBS’ scrolling NFL ticker, the Bengals, Falcons, Cardinals, and later the Cowboys, had also made plans to tape a gun behind the toilet at Louis Restaurant. It wasn’t the same story however for the Packers, Bears, Dolphins, Panthers, Niners and Ravens who all became as exposed as Fredo running his mouth at the donkey show. So now, with the exception of a couple remaining teams who are still a bit suspect, we know who to take seriously and who can be counted on to submissively bow and kiss the ring.
There are thirty two families in the NFL but only twelve of them will have a seat at the table eight weeks from now. And from the way it looks at the moment, there are sixteen fighting for those twelve seats.
Let’s go to the mattresses….
Bears at Niners-
Loser of this one starts getting dirt shoveled on them. Winner gets a cake with “Congratulations but you still suck” iced on it. Too harsh? Did I mention that it’s a urinal cake?
Pick: Niners, 21 - 20
Lions at Vikings-
The Vikes had last week off and thus two whole weeks to prepare for Detroit. That’s like giving the United States military two weeks to prepare for a skirmish with some Swedish radicals wielding snowballs and fish grenades.
Pick: Vikings, 35 - 17
Shirts (Broncos) at Skins-
That loud THUD! you heard on Monday night was the sound of the Broncos finally crashing back to earth. That horrible stench you smell is the Redskins offense. That hand you feel on your butt is mine. Sorry, I thought you were someone else. Wow, you must work out. You busy later?
Pick: Redskins, 20 - 17
Bengals at Steelers-
They said that the Bengals couldn’t beat the Steelers in Week 3.
They said that the Bengals couldn’t beat the Ravens in Baltimore.
They said that the Bengals couldn’t overcome the loss of Antwan Odom.
They said that the Bengals couldn’t sweep the Ravens.
They said that I couldn’t eat a whole bag of Oreos, wash 'em down with a sixer of Miller High Life and not get sick.
And now they’re saying that the Bengals can’t sweep the Steelers.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, mostly wrong, and we’ll see.
Who’s “they”? Oh, “they” are Midge and Therese, the kindly old lesbian couple down the block. They make kickass peanut brittle and have an extensive Janis Joplin vinyl collection.
Pick: Bengals, 24 - 20
Falcons at Panthers-
Just in case you didn’t get the memo regarding just how important quarterbacks are in this league, did you happen to catch Falcons coach Mike Smith go all Woody Hayes when one of the opposing players hit Matt Ryan out of bounds last Sunday? I haven’t seen a guy come to someone else’s defense like that since George McFly told Biff to take his damn hands off of Lorraine. It was reported by the Falcons Radio Network that after the game, Coach Smith and Matty were seen slow dancing at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and sharing some “special moments” under the bleachers.
Pick: Falcons, 27 - 20
Buccaneers at Dolphins-
The Bucs got their first win last week and that rookie QB of theirs looked pretty poised. You know who else looks pretty poised? Their cheerleaders. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Dolphins, 24 - 17
Saints at Rams-
The Rams are averaging 9.6 points per game. The Saints are averaging 37.9 points per game. You do the math. Er, wait, I did it for you. You owe me a pudding cup.
Pick: Saints, 38 - 10
Jaguars at Jets-
J!- E! - T! - S! Suck, Suck!, SUCK!!
Pick: Jags, 17 - 13
Bills at Titans-
In other words, this game should be about as stimulating as a plate of turkey with a Nyquil chaser. What I mean is, this matchup should be as arousing as Rosie O’Donnell with a mouthful of creamed corn shaving her armpits.
Okay, I’ll stop.
Pick: Titans, 20 - 17
Chiefs at Raiders-
The Chiefs released former Pro Bowl running back Larry Johnson this week for Tweeting that was detrimental to the team. Upon hearing the news and learning this could be cause for termination, 47 Raiders players, three coaches and two cheerleaders immediately opened their own Twitter accounts.
Pick: Chiefs, 20 - 16
Sackers (Cowboys) at Packers-
If I was the Packers offensive coordinator, I think I’d have to tweak the game plan a little. First of all, I’d make sure that every pass play included a gurney and no less than two medical professionals nearby. They’ve now allowed 37 sacks and are facing a Dallas defense that has suddenly turned up the pressure, notching 10 sacks in their last three games. If Aaron Rodgers doesn’t lose at least one vital organ this season, it’ll only be due to divine intervention. But if he does, at least he'll still have his day job at The Office.
Pick: Cowboys, 24 – 16
Seahawks at Cardinals-
Back in Week 6, the Cards more or less broke into the Seahawks house, smacked ‘em around, stole their wallet and car keys, disrespected their mama and ran off with their lady. Arizona harassed Hasselbeck the entire afternoon, sacking him 5 times. They held the ball for over 42 minutes, allowed just 14 yards rushing and basically humiliated the Seahawks 27-3. Now Seattle is headed to the desert in search of a little payback. Unless they’re packin’ a new running game and some better corners, I think they’re gonna wake up face down in the sand with nothing on but their Ecto-cooler green wrist bands.
Pick: Cardinals, 30 - 17
Eagles at Chargers-
Two of the worst clock management coaches in the history of the league square off this Sunday in the whale’s vagina and it’s even odds on all of the following:
One of the teams will let time expire while running up to spike the ball.
One of the coaches will run out of challenges before the fourth quarter.
Both coaches will lose at least one challenge.
The trailing coach will decide to punt with less than three minutes to go and no timeouts.
Also, you heard it here first- The Andy Reid Farewell Tour heads to San Diego!
Pick: Chargers, 27 – 17
Patriots at Colts-
If we're being honest here, and I think we are, isn't everyone who's not a Pats or Colts fan rooting for both Brady and Manning to get carted off before this one's over? No? Really? Really, you're going to tell me not even a little? Really? You know that if it happened, you say to yourself, "Ho-ly shnikes.... that opens the gates..." and then you'd giggle inside. You're a bad person.
Pick: Patriots, 30 - 27
Ravens at Browns-
As strange as it sounds, right now it might be easier to be a fan of Chris Brown than the Cleveland Browns. At least he can deliver a hit, right? Relax, I know he's a tool. The real question is, can he play quarterback? Cause the Browns could really use a quarterback with smooth moves and a good arm. Kidding, again kidding. What about Rhianna, is she off the DL yet? She's not as pretty as Brady Quinn but maybe she could give it a try. Or, well, this guy wants Kozar back. Or the Hulkster. I'm not sure
Browns and Bernie
Joey Panzarella Band | MySpace Video
Pick: Ravens, 28 - 13
Posted by Smitty