So, Week One is over with. Thank God for that. Week One is never what you expect it to be. It’s that quirky-cute girl who sat in the back of your first semester sophomore Art History class. Big brown doe eyes, dark hair up under a ball cap, an army green denim mini skirt, tight Bengals t-shirt, black nail polish, and feet cute enough to get away with flip flops in mid-October. One day after class as she’s flinging her backpack over her shoulder and sipping what’s left of her latte, you finally get up enough steam to ask her out. She coyly says yes and scribbles her address into your palm. Smash cut to Friday night with you ringing the bell to her apartment. Some dude who looks like Ducky from Pretty in Pink opens the door to what smells like an incense factory and sounds like a Depeche Mode concert. You walk in holding your breath through a seemingly endless patchouli cloud, at least a half dozen critical alternative eyes on you, and there’s your girl. Or is it? Nose pierced, lower lip pierced, eyebrows pierced, somewhere between sixteen and three thousand earrings lining the outside of her ears. She’s wearing knee-high, jet black laced boots that match her hair (and the rest of her clothes), at least two tubes of candy apple red lipstick, way too much eyeliner, a silver skull necklace, and is sporting a never-before-seen-by-you tattoo between her shoulder blades of a spider web with the phrase “…when first we practice to deceive” splashed above it. Helloooo freaknut!
On the way to her chariot, er, your ’84 Toyota Celica, you give her a “Wow, you look…great. I especially like the piercings. I uh, I never noticed them in class. Are they, um, are they new?” She tosses you back a “No, it’s just that class is soooo early. I’m always waking up late and don’t have time to put them all in, you know?” “Yeah”, you say. Like you know. Idiot. “And those boots are pretty cool.” “Thanks. My ex-boyfriend gave ‘em to me the other day. He works at a thrift shop uptown." Ugh. “Hey, what was that music playing back at the apartment?” “Are you serious? Depeche Mode. They’re the freaking best.” “Yeah, uh, and you know who else is cool… the Bengals. Boomer is awesome, right?” “The Bengals. Bleh.” “Bleh? Weren’t you wearing a Bengals t-shirt in class the other day?” “What? Oh yeah, that belongs to my roommate’s little brother. He left it at our place last week and all my clothes were dirty so I just grabbed it. Actually, I’m a Browns fan. Whoof, Whoof, Whoof!”
Aaaand scene.
To be fair, before my pal Whitey or anyone else who is or was into alternative, emo, goth, or borderline goth girls gets on my case, I’m not judging here. Hell, sophomore year in college, I was wearing faded ripped jeans and had hair down past my shoulders. I looked like a greenhorn roadie for Whitesnake. But also to be fair, she was a Brown’s fan and spelled her name “Aimie”. The way I see it, she kinda had it coming when I puked down her back later in the evening.
Anyway, Week One this season didn’t have a plethora of piercings, didn’t wear too much makeup, and wasn’t a Dawgpounder with a penchant for Depeche Mode but, like Aimie, it certainly wasn’t what I was expecting. Seattle pounds San Fran? The Vikes and Saints battle in a defensive struggle? The Chiefs lay it to the Chargers? New England completely destroys Cincinnati? The Lions beat the Bears, and they didn’t? Tampa Bay…. Won? Good riddance, Week One. Go fade into the distance along with Aimie and her puked-stained spider web tattoo. “Hello, Week Two. Hey Week Two, I like your hair (and your big boobies). Are you an Alpha Xi?” “ You’re rushing there?” “ Sweet. Hey, I’m starving, are you hungry?“ “Yeah? Then whaddya say you let me take you out for some pizza and a pitcher?” “ Great. You like bacon on your pizza?” “Hey, stupid question but you don’t have any tattoos on you back, do you?” “Oh, really?” (Hmmm)
Now on with the Week Two matchups….
Ravens at Bengals-
I don’t know what’s worse, Chad and T.O. leaving the field before the end of the first half and not being out there for a nearly successful Hail Mary or Marvin Lewis’ lame excuse-making for the Twitteriffic Twosome. Did he expect anyone to believe that shoe nonsense? I don’t mean to call Marvin a liar, what I mean to call him is a bad liar. If his press conference had been an episode of Lie to Me, we would’ve seen Marvin’s face followed by smash cuts to on-the-stand close-ups of Bill Clinton, Mark McGwire, Richard Nixon and Jon Lovitz. I don’t think Mike Zimmer would have offered up those same excuses and I’m pretty sure he is going to make like a living hell for his defense during practice this week. Will it bring enough improvement to get them past the big bad black birds this Sunday. Sure, yeah, that’s the ticket?
Bears at Cowboys-
The big news in Big D this week wasn’t the ‘Boys loss in DC last Sunday. It wasn’t offensive coordinator Jason Garrett taking blame for a botched Hail Mary attempt. And no, it wasn’t the Rangers push to clinch the AL West. The big news was former head coach Jimmy Johnson’s debut as a cast member on the new season of Survivor. Late word is that he made it through the first week without getting bounced. I just hope he hangs around long enough to get to the week where loved ones come to visit and help them with an immunity challenge. I’m interested to see if it’s JB, Howie or Terry who visits him and, if they win, if they’ll take advantage of sharing the private luxury suite for the night. Wait, what? Oh, I think I’m mixing my reality shows again.
Eagles at Lions-
You’re not going to believe this but Andy Reid wasted timeouts again last Sunday. Okay, so maybe it’s not so hard to believe. He manages the clock like he manages his diet- impulsively and with complete & utter disregard for his own well-being. I’m not the first one to come up with this idea but the Eagles brass seriously needs to look into pulling Fat Andy late in the 4th quarter and putting in a relief coach to close things out from now on.
Cardinals at Falcons-
The Derek Anderson Experiment heads to the ATL. In the pantheon of pleasurable “experiments”, this one ranks right there in-between The Jamie Kennedy Experiment and The Milgram Experiment. BTW, do experiments held in the desert ever result in anything other than a confused public, the dissemination of misinformation and a renewed method for mass destruction? Well, good luck with all that, Cards fans.
Chiefs at Browns-
Browns fans have begun the process of finding out what Panthers fans have known for years- that Jake Delhomme is a disaster. You might say that Browns fans are to Panthers fans as Henry Francis is to Don Draper. I just lost 80% of you right there but I’m okay with it. And yes, I probably will work at least one Mad Men reference into each post until the end of the season.
Bills at Packers-
It’s the battle of America’s vacation hot spots! For all of you who, like me, have taken a trip to see The Buffalo and Erie County Naval & Military Park, the Green Bay Botanical Garden, the Herschell Carousel Factory Museum, the National Railroad Museum, cruised around the Erie Canal Harbor, or eaten some artery-clogging goodness at Kroll’s West or the Anchor Bar, you’ll have a tough time deciding who to root for in this one. My advice is to eat some wings and pull for the Pack. That’ll be your best pleasure-combo for the day.
Steelers at Titans-
Pittsburgh had to go into this season hoping to at least just tread water, maybe go 2-2 while Big Ben sits serving his suspension. Well, after last week’s win, they’re half way there. But to get there this week, they’ll have to do it against the team that (one of my favorite writers) Chuck Klosterman picked as his AFC Superbowl team for this season. Keep in mind that Klosterman also once predicted that McCain would beat Obama, that we’ll have future robot wars, Tom Brady will one day be President, and that the moon population will reach one million by the year 2065.
Buccaneers at Panthers-
Coach Morris’ swashbucklers are set to do what Buccaneers do best- head down around and along up the coast to pillage and plunder. Well, this edition of the Bucs may not have it in ‘em to do all that but they are capable of annoying and pestering a little. The Panthers should have quarterback Matt Moore back after suffering a concussion late in last week’s game. With or without Moore, Carolina needs to fix their horsebleep offensive line. If not, a little annoying and pestering could turn into some full-blown bothering.
Dolphins at Vikings-
Time for this week’s pop quiz…
With ten days off between the game last Thursday in New Orleans and their game this Sunday at home, how did Vikings quarterback Brett Favre spend the majority of his time?
a) Getting treatment for his ailing ankle
b) Spending time with family
c) Studying his playbook and watching game film
d) Standing in front of a full-length mirror and checking out how good his butt looks in his new Wrangler jeans
Answer: a, b, and c. Brett knows Wranglers make a man’s butt look good, he doesn’t have to check.
Rams at Raiders-
I know it’s been a while since they both moved but for the life of me I can’t help but wonder why this matchup has never included a cameo (maybe celebrity captain) by Kurt Russell.
Seahawks at Broncos-
Which team in the NFL won by the largest margin in Week One? The Seahawks.
Which team did I predict would be the worst team in the NFC this season? The Seahawks.
The lesson, as always… I’m an idiot.
Texans at Redskins-
It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Patriots at Jets-
Anyone else take notice of the look on Mark Sanchez’ face against the Ravens on Monday night? He was as confused as Obama without a teleprompter. Not Barack Obama, my neighbor Stanley Obama down the street. He’s a weather man on a community access cable station. I’d never insult the president.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot… J! - E! – T! – S! Suck, Suck, SUCK!!!
Jaguars at Chargers-
It's the battle of the sports cars.
It’s also the battle of the pocket rocket running backs.
And it’s also the battle of the sexy head coaches.
You work it, Norv.
Giants at Colts-
Watching the Manning brothers play up their “Aw shucks” routine whenever they get together makes me want to go find those Suite Life kids, Zack & Cody, and make them “disappear” before they grow up to become tremendously successful and therefore even more unbearably annoying. Sorry, I have a seven year old daughter so I know entirely too much about The Suite Life, iCarly, Sonny with a Chance, Victorious, Drake& Josh, True Jackson, and OH MY GOD WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?!
Monday Night
Saints at Niners-
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