Dec 21, 2009
Happy Who Dey Day, Czar Holmgren, Mr. Miyagi, Belichick's Wish List, a Vampire, the Meadowlands, and Mercury's Milkshake
So we’ve reached what could be, should be (finally) a playoff-clinching, AFC North championship victory Sunday for the Bengals. Normally Week 15 is a time for reflection, remorse, and a little regurgitation for us Bengal fans. But not this year. Despite a Chernobyl-esque meltdown a few weeks ago against the Raiders, a brutal two-game roadie to Minnesota and San Diego, and some really heavy emotional grenades being hurled at them, our boys are headed to the playoffs for just the second time since Knots Landing was a hit tv show and Poison had a #1 single. We’ve suffered through a lot of crap over the last fifteen years- Dave Shula, Akili Smith, David Klingler, Bruce Coslet, James Francis, Rod “Toast” Jones, Fat Daddy, Vagina Carter, Kimo's cheap shot on Carson's knee (yes it was and you all know it)and on, and on, and on…..
But this Sunday should not be a day to look back, rather it’s hopefully a day to celebrate and look forward to even brighter days ahead. Let’s celebrate what the Black Jesus has brought back from the dead. Let’s celebrate the leadership of Carson Palmer and Dhani Jones, the resurrection of Cedric Benson, the miracle work of Mike Zimmer, the sure hands and footwork of Ochocinco, the Samoan connection of Peko-Maualuga-Fanene, the bull-dozing by Andrew Whitworth, the emergence of Kyle Cook and Bernard Scott, the leaping of Brian Leonard, and a couple of guys who Brett Favre called the best cornerback tandem in the league . Yes, I say let’s celebrate. Let’s celebrate the end of Cincinnati’s Great Football Depression, and let’s celebrate it with a song. With apologies to Adam Sandler and to the sacred days of Hanukah, here goes……..
There's a lot of football songs out there,
But not too many about the Cincinnati Bengals.
So I wrote a song for all those long-suffering Bengal fans who haven’t gotten to stand up and shout for a while.
Here we go...
Put on your Bengal gear
Here comes the Who Dey cheer
It’s so much fun-a-dey
To shout for the Bengals today
Who Dey is….. the cheer of Cincinnati
Instead of “Rah” or “Go Team”, we have this crazy ebonical skatty
So when you feel like the only person, cheering the Bengals to victory,
Here's a list of people who are also Bengal fans, just like you and meeeeeee..….
The Senate minority leader, wears orange & black on Sundays
So do Woody Harrelson, Bootsy Collins, and the ghost of Ray Combs-dey
Guess who eats together at the Skyline Chili
It’s the Naked Cowboy and Academy Award winner George Clooney
Carmen Electra yells "Who Dey!", Vanessa Minnillo now yells it, too
Put them in tiger-striped bikinis and just enjoy the view
You don't need "Luv ya Blue" or "the Super Bowl Shuffle"
'Cause you can rock the joint with Guns n Roses’- “Welcome to the Jungle”
Put on your Bengal gear
It's time for the Who Dey cheer
The owner of Chiquita Banana-dey
Has stripes painted on his face today
Rosie O’Donnell, …….not a Bengals fan
But guess who is? 70's rocker Peter Frampton- he converted
We got ESPN’s Dan Patrick, FOX's Bill Hemmer, too
The UFC's Rich Franklin, and the Lachey brothers, Nick and Drew
Some people think, that Katie Holmes is
Well that's not confirmed, but guess who is
The Red Sox' Kevin Youkilis
So many stars like to yell "Who Dey!"
Tom Cruise isn't, but that’s okay because he’s gay...allegedly
Tell your friend Sha-neyney
It's time to yell out "Who Dey!"
I hope they play Super Bowl Sun-a-day
And bring a trophy back to Cincinnatidey
So drink your old six pack of Hu-dey beer today
But don't smoke your marijuanidey
If you really, really wannadey…….
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Who Dey Day
Who Dey, Who Dey, Who Dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?!……..NOOOOOOOOBODY!!
Now, on with the Matchups........
Chargers at Titans-
Now locked into the AFC's #2 seed and a first round bye, the Electric Sperm Army has nothing to play for except trying to maintain some sort of momentum and to avoid injury. The Titans however are caught up in that quagmire of 7-7 teams trying to pass the Ratbirds & Donkeys and are trying to write the ending chapters to what would be an epic comeback of a season. Think about this: If Tennessee wins out and makes the postseason, they'll likely have the comeback player of the year (Vince Young), a player with just the sixth 2,000 yard rushing season in history (Chris Johnson), the Coach of the Year (Jeff Fisher), the only team to have an owner fined for stepping out of his luxury box to flip off opposing fans (Bud Adams), and be the first team ever to start out 0-6 and still make the playoffs. Wow. Now think about this: If you took each individual hair in Jeff Fisher's mustache and lined them end to end, they would stretch from Nashville all the way to Istanbul.
Pick: Titans, 27-23
Chiefs at Bengals-
KC has the second-worst run defense in the league and have given up more than forty (yes, 4-0) points in three of their last four games. This one should be easy, so of course it won't be.
Pick: Bengals, 28-20
Raiders at Browns-
Word out of Cleveland this morning was that Mike Holmgren is going to take over the franchise as their Football Czar, or something. How do you compensate a czar? Rubles? Schillings? Dinars? Actually with Holmgren you're probably good with spare ribs, strawberry pie, and donut holes.
Also, in case you hadn't noticed, the Browns have won two straight and the Raiders have won three of their last four, all against teams with winning records. I know, who cares?
Pick: Browns, 14-13
Seahawks at Packers-
This used to be the Mike Holmgren Bowl. Not anymore. Now I think it's the Milwaukee's Best Light.com Mike Holmgren Bowl. Or something. The Pack might want to borrow some donut holes from their old coach to help plug up a suddenly Swiss cheesey-cheese-ish secondary that gave up over 500 passing yards (yes, 500) to the Steelers last Sunday.
Pick: Packers, 33-17
Ravens at Steelers-
I've said it before and I'll say it again; the Steelers are like some sort of vampire. Not one of those wussy uber-romantic Twilight vampires, but one from Van Helsing or from the warped mind of Bram Stoker. Five straight losses, three of which were to the Browns, Chiefs and Raiders yet somehow they're still alive for a playoff spot. Seriously? If I'm John Harbaugh, I'm telling my equipment manager to pack garlic necklaces, crucifixes, wooden stakes, and to fill the Gatorade coolers with holy water.
Pick: Steelers, 24-21
Bills at Falcons-
Man, there are a lot of great matchups this weekend, This game of course is not one of them. On a holiday entertainment scale, this one's like watching Christmas Comes to Pac Land.
Pick: Falcons, 20-16
Texans at Dolphins-
There are some people like that scrawny elf-nosed Colin Cowherd who believe that you have to be a top-tier passing team to win in the NFL today. "Power running teams with strong defenses don't have a prayer. This is a new era...." etc.., is the gist of his argument. Yeah, well allow me to introduce you to the Houston Texans. The Texans have the league's #2-ranked passing attack to go along with a defense sporting a respectable #14 ranking and yet they're a loss this Sunday in Miami from missing the post season and need help even if they win out. You can't get over just slinging it all over the field, nor can you just by running all the time (See: Jets, New York). It's like Mr. Miyagi said, "Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, football good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?" Okay, he didn't say football, he said karate, whatever, you get the idea and it still applies. His genius knew not the bounds of just one athletic endeavor.
Speaking of Mr. Miyagi, he'd be an upgrade over Cowherd on that Sports Nation show on ESPN. To use one of Cowherd's own expressions, that show is a "dumpster fire", and it's mostly his fault. His female co-host, Michelle Beadle, is attractive, funny, genuine, well-informed, well-prepared, thick-skinned...all the things that Cowherd is not. He's horribly painful and distracting to watch. I've seen animatronic characters do a better job of connecting with their audience. What's that? Mr. Miyagi's dead? I mean, Pat Morita's dead? Okay, well he'd still be an upgrade over Cowherd.
Pick: Dolphins, 24-20
Buccaneers at Saints-
Let me start off by listing the Bucs advantages in this matchup.....um.....well.....it's Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Saints, 31-17
Panthers at Giants-
Unless they wind up winning their division, this will be the last game for the Giants at The Meadowlands before moving to their new co-op next season. The Giants have played there since it opened in 1976 and according to public records, over those 35 season, the following has gone down there: It has been the home of the Giants, the Jets, the Generals of the USFL, the Knights of the WFL, the Hitmen of the XFL, the Sentinels of the UFL, and it was the home field of the New Orleans Saints versus the Giants after Hurricane Katrina. It was the site of the old Garden State Bowl, the home field on occasion for Army & Navy and during emergencies for Syracuse, Temple and Princeton. It has also been the home of various pro soccer teams, many high school football classics, and has hosted such notables as The Jackson 5, Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, The Eagles, The Rolling Stones, The Who, U2, Kiss, Pink Floyd, The Grateful Dead, Aerosmith, Bon Jovi, Dave Matthews Band, The Police, Elton John, Billy Joel, AC/DC, Metallica, Guns n' Roses, the Beach Boys, and Pope John Paul II. It has also housed an estimated 16,900,000 drunk & disorderly guidos, been the conception site of an estimated 175,000 guidos, played the role of crime scene for an estimated 436 guidos, unknowingly provided a seat to an estimated 284,000 wanted guido felons, and allegedly has the corpse of a former Teamsters president rotting-away underneath one of the end zones.
Pick: Giants, 28-10
Jaguars at Patriots-
This is a tall order for Jack of the River, having to take his team up to New England and win in order to stay alive for the playoffs. I'm not saying it can't be done but my sources tell me that a swarm of vultures were seen earlier today circling the Jags practice facility. My sources also got their hands on Bill Belichick's letter to Santa. His wish list included the following items:
new grey hoodie
new blue hoodie
new red hoodie
another new grey hoodie
another new blue hoodie
a signed copy of Sex in the City Season 3 on DVD
another new red hoodie
a bottle of Glenlivet scotch
a new pair of shower sandals
Pick: Patriots, 30-24
Rams at Cardinals-
I've been patiently waiting 15 weeks and now I'm thrilled to announce that I finally feel strongly enough to say the following with great confidence.... The St. Louis Rams are now on the clock
Pick: Cardinals, 30-13
Lions at Niners-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to hell!
Pick: Niners, 24-20
Broncos at Eagles-
The Eagles have won five straight and seem to be peaking at just the right time. On the flip side, the Broncos have lost two in a row, six of their last eight, and are deteriorating faster than Joan River's face in a steam room.
Pick: Broncos, 20-16
Jets at Colts-
Well, with the Saints loss last week, Mercury Morris, Bob Greise, Don Shula, and the rest of the bitter, self-congratulatory '72 Dolphins only have one team to root against the rest of the way. If the Colts do make it through the Super Bowl undefeated, my only request is that Peyton Manning, instead of saying "I'm going to Disney World", says, "I'm going to Mercury Morris' house. Hey Mercury, I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!"
Pick: Colts, 16-13
Shirts (Cowboys) at Skins-
The Jim Zorn Farewell Tour is again in the limelight.
I'm going to say this just once and then I won't mention it again: Jim Zorn needs to be mentally evaluated by the District of Columbia. Don't believe me? I submit to you, Exhibit A...
I rest my case.
Pick: Cowboys, 21-9
Vikings at Bears-
Kyle's dad was right. Kinda.
Pick: Vikings, 31-24
Posted by Smitty