Dec 31, 2009
Resolutions, Agoraphobia, Ollie's Kosher Kafe, Kabuki Theatre, Jay-Z, Butterscotch Pudding, Anime Porn, and a Good Smiting
It’s New Year’s Eve, dillweeds! Time to call a sitter, slap together some cheese crackers, pour some stiff high balls and resolve to do things that you’d only actually do if you were one of those people who had drive, determination and self-discipline. We’ll stay up late, either at a local bar with scores of drunken amateurs wearing shiny hats and cheap necklaces, or at home watching Dick Clark sadly slur his words and repeatedly tossing it over to snarky Ryan Seacrest who’s still circling Dick’s hosting chair like a shark about to attack a wounded sea lion. Like time-lapse photos of John Kruk’s scrotum, we’ll see the ball drop, kiss someone near & dear to us, sing a song that still makes absolutely no sense to anyone, and eventually fall asleep with a category 4 hangover slowly gaining power in our skulls. Sounds great.
Honestly, I think New Year’s Eve is only great if you’re in college and at a college bar, wealthy and at an exclusive party, or on vacation in the Caribbean with Salma Hayek. For the rest of us, it’s not great, just a good time, at best. Or maybe not even a good time but at least something happens that makes for a good story. And that’s okay because as I always say, “a good story is better than a good time”. This year, to ensure at least a good story, I’ve stacked the deck. We’re having a little fiesta and have invited Kanye West and a bottle of Hennessy, Jon and a date plus Kate, Sarah Palin, David Letterman, Brian Kelly, some UC fans, Mike Leach, Craig James and his son, Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger and their daughter, Bill O’Reilly, Michael Savage, Chris Matthews, the couple that crashed the White House dinner last month, the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore, the cast of MTV’s The Ruins, Russell from Survivor Samoa, Paula Abdul, Ellen DeGeneres, Elin Nordgren, and four of Tiger’s ho-hos. I’ll text ya if anything good happens. In the meantime, here are some of the responses to my request for New Year’s resolutions from family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, acquaintances, readers, and some selected inmates. Enjoy….
Save more money
Lose at least fifteen pounds
See a psychologist about my man-crush on Howie Mandel
Cut back on sweets
Spend more time with my grandchildren
Get a promotion at work
Quit running up on stage and interrupting acceptance speeches during music awards shows
Start jogging in the mornings before work
Pack my lunch more often
Stop killing hamsters for sport
Call my parents at least twice a week just to say “Hi”
Learn how to speak Italian
Learn how to crochet
Learn how to make money from home on my computer
Start going to church again
Stop masturbating so much
Stop wiring money to people in Ghana whom I meet on the internet
Make a goal of handing out at least five compliments per day
Finally throw caution to the wind and try out for American Idol, no matter what my wife Beth thinks of it
Donate five dollars each week to the local soup kitchen
See a doctor about my constant rectal itching
Cut back my television viewing to nine hours per day
Learn how to swim
Stop using text shorthand, LOL
Try new foods, except Asian, Mexican, Greek, any seafood, or anything that’s too spicy, bitter, sour, sweet, or contains anything made from corn, soy, or any corn or soy byproduct
Make peace with the souls that haunt me in my dreams
Finally say yes to Valerie Abati and let her take me out for coffee
Follow my lawyer’s instructions and tell the parole board what they want to hear so I can get out of here and seek vengeance on all who conspired to put me in this hellhole
Come out of the closet
Do a much better job of running the country, and maybe quit listening to Pelosi, Reid & Frank
Quit being so judgmental of others
Finally get over my hatred of the 49ers and stop damning them to hell all the time
Read at least one book a month
Never again launch a crazy UFO balloon and tell people that my son’s trapped inside of it
Eat more fiber
Eat more whole grains
Eat Mor Chikin
Start taking yoga
Try a Pilates class
Sever all ties with humanity
Start scrapbooking and try to make a friend
Volunteer at the animal shelter
Start the lengthy process of growing my hair out to look like Dog Chapman’s
Spend more time with my grandma
Spend more time studying and less time partying
Get out of debt
Stop drinking before 10am
Organize my home office
Invest more cautiously
Get a better job
Go back to school
Start dating a cheerleader
Stop responding to stupid email requests for things like, “Tell me what your New Year’s Resolution is going to be so I can use it in my blog.”
Now on with the matchups….
Colts at Bills-
Expect the Colts to stay true-to-form with their has-always-been-a-failure strategy to protect their starters and play a bunch of no-talent guys this week. The Bills will also stay true-to-form with their has-always-been-a-failure strategy of playing their starters, thereby also playing a bunch of no-talent guys.
Pick: Bills, 20-17
Bears at Lions-
Will this game mark the end of the Lovie Smith Era in Chicago? Will the quarterback from Santa Claus, Indiana give away four more gifts and finish with at least thirty interceptions on the season? Will the Lions give up over thirty points for the eighth time this season and cement their spot as this year’s worst-ranked defense? Will this be the last time we see Daunte Culpepper on the good side of 300 lbs? Will anyone who’s not a Lions or Bears beat writer ask even half as many questions about this game as I just did?
Pick: Bears, 26-14
Steelers at Dolphins-
The Black & Yellow Vampires are still being counted among the undead in the AFC. Following a ridiculous last-second touchdown pass against the Packers two weeks ago, last Sunday they were handed a victory by the Ravens who lost 113 yards on eleven penalties, two of which wiped out touchdowns and another that erased an interception of ROFLsberger. The ridiculousness of their last two contests prompted me to have my staff do a little legwork and their findings are just what I suspected. According to fifth-person testimony and documents obtained from a dumpster behind a Pittsburgh-area Popeye’s, Mike Tomlin has a 3-game deal with the devil with a club option to extend to six games should they make the playoffs. Details of what Tomlin has to sacrifice are a bit sketchy but from what we can make out amidst some grease and gravy stains, it at the very least includes somebody’s first born something as well as several locks of well-conditioned hair from a native Samoan.
Pick: Steelers, 28-20
Giants at Vikings-
The lethargic Giants, trying to recover from being pile driven by the Panthers, are headed to Minnesota to take on the Vikings who themselves responded to being clocked by the Panthers by going to Chicago and getting upset by the Bears. In other words, a couple of what have become rare Panthers bitches are preparing to chick-fight each other. The Giants need this one to save face while the Vikes need it to have a shot at a first round bye in the playoffs. That may prove significant for the Purple Heads as they’ve lost their last three on the road and have just one road victory this season against a team with a winning record. Jesus, what kind of self-respecting Vikings can’t kick a$$ on the road. Their whole M.O. is supposed to be sacking villages, plundering, looting, and various other uncivilized acts of barbarism. This group leaves the Mall (aka Mall of America Dome, aka Worst. Stadium. Name. Ever. ) and they’re as harmless as a band of agoraphobic emo rockers.
Pick: Vikings, 23-20
Falcons at Buccaneers-
The Falcons have won two straight, are 8-7 on the season and are thoroughly disappointed. The Bucs have also won two straight, they sit at 3-12 on the season and are thoroughly excited. Well, not everyone is Tampa is excited. Apparently their GM has contacted Bill Cowher about becoming their next head coach. When asked about this news, Bucs current head coach Raheem Morris, a stockily-built Seal lookalike, retorted, "I don't think Bill Cowher makes those decisions. I think our ownership does. ... I choose to laugh at or ignore some of the gossip," He went on to say that "This game is not for everybody. Not for the mentally weak, it's not for the soft, it's not for everybody." For me it's about production, going on the field and progressing. All the other stuff is gray matter. That's just messes you up for next week." Yeah, I mean who needs grey matter?
Pick: Falcons, 20-16
Niners at Rams-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
As a side note, those who know me best will be glad to hear that I passed by a Chiefs fan wearing a Joe Montana jersey at PBS last Sunday and well, I instinctively yelled some slightly profane (yet hilarious) stuff at him. In short, despite my current station in life and my financial fortitude, I’ve still not progressed socially past your run of the mill juvenile delinquent.
Pick: Niners, 24-16
Patriots at Texans-
With a victory this Sunday, the Texans would secure their first winning season in the franchise’s eight years of existence and keeps their slim hopes at a playoff spot alive. New England, despite owning the league’s 7th-best pass defense, has only played four teams all season with decent passing games (Baltimore, Denver, New Orleans, Indy) and in those games have given up an average of 28.5 points. In case you were wondering, the Texans have the league’s #2 passing offense.
While a Houston win would open the door for the Bengals to move into the #3 seed in the AFC, I think I speak for every fan of each of the other AFC playoff teams when I say that I want the Texans nowhere near the playoffs. Them getting in could be the equivalent of tossing a lit cigarette next to a leaking 40-gallon fuel drum.
Pick: Texans, 24-23
Saints at Panthers-
New Orleans has home field locked up throughout the playoffs, so they have nothing to play for. The Panthers have been kicking butt lately but are out of the race and have nothing to play for. That’s really too bad because these two division rivals have been a good, entertaining match for one another in recent years. Tell ya what, just to make it worth their while, I’m putting up a case of High Life and some gift certificates to Bob Evans to go to the winner. That oughtta rile ‘em up a little.
Pick: Panthers, 28-24
Jaguars at Browns-
Mangini’s Browns have won three in a row. (Semi-enthusiastic applause) That means it’s time for this week’s pop quiz….
The Browns 3-game winning streak means which of the following is true?
a) They’re getting a worse draft pick
b) There will be at least one more season of Eric Mangini in Cleveland
c) Half-priced reubens at Ollie’s Kosher Kafe in Parma
d) Nobody cares
e) All of the above
f) None of the above
Answer: e) and f)
Pick: Jaguars, 20-13
Eagles at Cowboys-
Both of these teams are peaking at the exact same time. It’s like a 35-year old woman seducing a 19-year old guy. What? Which team is the woman? Well, the Eagles score fast while the Cowboys like their sure-handed receivers and have an aging yet still-stellar tight end, plus they will be consummating this act at the Cowboys posh new crib, so I guess the Cowboys are the Cougar. The question is, how will it turn out. There are always two and only two possibilities in this type of situation: either the Eagles fall into unrequited love with the Cowboys and/or the Cowboys get knocked-up.
Pick: Eagles, 34-24
Skins at Shirts (Chargers)-
The Jim Zorn Farewell Tour makes its final stop in sunny San Diego!
Count me among those who are going to miss the NFL’s Jay-Z. I don’t know what I’m going to miss most, the defeatist tone of his postgame press conferences, his wacky game management, or the quizzical look he gets on his face while staring out at the field, almost like he’s watching Kabuki theatre for the first time. Good luck Jay-Z, here’s hoping you somehow make a triumphant return as coach of the Ravens, Steelers or Browns someday.
Pick: Chargers, 17-14
Titans at Seahawks-
The only mildly compelling aspect of this game is whether we’ll see Chris Johnson get the 128 rushing yards he needs to pass the 2,000 yard mark. That and well, there is one more compelling thing about this matchup……It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Titans, 24-17
Ravens at Raiders-
Pardon the Ravens if they come limping into this one but that’s what happens when you shoot your own leg off like they did in Pittsburgh last Sunday. Now they have travel all the way across country and win in Oaktown to secure a playoff spot. The Black Hole has lived up to its moniker this season as it’s swallowed up two contenders already- Philly and Cincinnati. Hopefully the Raiders will be psyched-up and ready to go and win one for their owner. If you’ve seen him lately, you know that every new Sunday could be his last. And if you know Al like I do (not at all), you know that he’s at a stage where he’s resigned himself to three distinct pleasures in life: butterscotch pudding, anime porn, and upset wins by the Raiduz.
Pick: Ravens, 20-9
Packers at Cardinals-
The Packers have scored 196 points over their last six games (32.7 per game). The Cards have scored over 30 points in five of their last eight games. Warner, Rodgers. Fitzgerald, Jennings. Bouldin, Driver. Two top-ten offenses, two top-ten passing attacks, squaring off in a desert dome. Ooh baby! Uh…huh….um….heh-heh….. Am I excited about this one? As my boxers would attest right now, yes, yes I am excited about this one.
Pick: Packers, 34-30
Chiefs at Broncos-
Who would’ve guessed that after their 6-0 start, the Donkeys would wind up sitting here needing a win and lots of help to get into the playoffs? The NFL Gods, that’s who. He’s experienced what it’s like to get a good smiting. You can’t explode with five self-congratulatory fist pumps after a game and seriously expect to get away with it.
Pick: Broncos, 24-17
Bengals at Jets-
Okay, one more time, with feeling… J! – E! – T! – S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK!!!
Hopefully Marvin sits the starters and guarantees a date next week with Tater Salad’s squad and rookie quarterback here in Cincinnati. Oh, and a very special thanks to all of the fans, players and coaches who submitted votes for this year’s Pro Bowl. After counting the ballots, the Bengals have officially become the first division winner since the NFL-AFL merger to not have a single player selected to the Pro Bowl. The extra fuel for their “nobody respects us” fire is much appreciated.
Pick: Jets, 20-10
Posted by Smitty