Oct 6, 2010
Fall vs Autumn, The Great Pumpkin, Tom Green, Breakfast Calzones, a Groin In-Jur-Y, the Griswolds, Happy Days and a Medicine Ball Knockout
So I noticed that we’ve gone from three months of mostly a 90+ degree Midwestern desert directly to “you’d better take a jacket with you” weather. I guess it’s fall now. I mean autumn. No, I mean fall. Does anyone use the word ”autumn” anymore? The only time I hear it used nowadays is with a capital “A” and as the first name of a woman who makes a living wearing little or no clothes. Either way, it, not she, is here. Summer’s a classic bad girl name, too. Only Summer doesn’t have a viable alternative. For some reason, “heat”, “shine” or “bake” never took hold like fall did. I think I’d like it if we started using nicknames for all of the season. Instead of Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall (“all you’ve got to do is call…”), we could go with Chill, Grow, Bake and Fall. We’d sound like a bunch of stoners!....”Dude, next Chill, I’m gonna start saving some green so that by the end of Grow, I’ll have enough saved up to go to Bake Fest and then take a trip to Nantucket in the Fall.” Okay, maybe not.
You can fall in love, fall from grace, fall asleep, fall flat on your face, fall about the place….Or if you’re the Cincinnati Bengals or the ‘80’s metal hair band Cinderella, you can fall apart at the seams. For the Bengals, that seam seems to run (like everything and everyone else) right through their offensive line. Unarguably the most important position on the football field is the quarterback. But the most important position group is the offensive line. Without an effective O-Line, your quarterback may not have time to deliver the ball accurately to the receivers, your running backs won't have lanes to run through, and the entire backfield is in danger of losing their lives. In the Bengals case, although Palmer has only been sacked seven times in the first four games, he's been hit 25 times (4th-most in the league) and hurried more often than not. If he gets knocked out, it's Hellooo Jordan Palmer and they're one step away from 6th round rookie Dan LeFevour who was cut by the Bears last month.
"So," you may ask, "why is the line play so poor when it's such an important piece to the puzzle? Certainly Mike Brown knows the value of a stout offensive line, right? He's a smart man, he's gotta know that without a strong off.." Stop it! Stop it! You just made milk (okay beer) come out of my nose. Oh Lord, ah-how-ow, my side hurts...ohhh... Hehhh...Whoo! No, please, Mike Brown is a poorly programmed android with a decaying skin suit and a tweed jacket. He's "stocked" the line this season with a capable yet aging right guard, a former undrafted free agent center, a former undrafted free agent left guard, a former undrafted free agent right tackle who's playing because Mikey spent a high first round pick last year on a kid who's too fat to get on the field, and the only standout player on the line is a left guard who's playing left tackle because Mikey has still never tried to replace Levi Jones. It seems more and more obvious that Mikey's plan is to camp out with Linus & Sally in the pumpkin patch, hoping for a visit from the Great Pumpkin that will bring him a new guard or tackle. That may work but just in case, I'd like to suggest that he send the entire scouting department (both of them) out with specific orders to spend the bulk of their time scouting offensive linemen.
In the meantime, we can look forward to a wonderful Fall and Chill watching Carson Palmer run for his life and Ced Benson run into defenders in the backfield. And now I'm tired of talking about it. I'm gonna go watch Autumn dance while you check out what you came here for.
Now, on with the matchups….
Jaguars at Bills-
This game has all the ingredients of being a very powerful sedative. Honestly, it should not be viewable without a prescription. Here’s another thing that shouldn’t be taken without a prescription?...
Pick: Bills, 16-13
Broncos at Ravens-
Could somebody please tell me where Kyle Orton gets his hair cut? I ask because I want to dress up like Tome Green and go stalk Drew Barrymore. Seriously, is he trying to look like Tom Green’s doppelganger? He does know that Tom Green’s fifteen minutes ended years ago, right? Wait, maybe Kyle Orton is Tom Green! Has anyone in the Denver area seen him drinking milk straight from a cow?
Pick: Ravens, 24-13
Falcons at Browns-
Like folding sausage, ham and bacon up into your pancake and making an impromptu breakfast calzone, getting on the Falcons bandwagon just feels right. Matty Ice is in year three and and supremely confident, Roddy White’s back and looking better than ever, they’re winning games late, their coach is a crazy ball of energy, Tony G looks resurrected…. I’m all in. And while we’re at it, give me Week 8 in the “what week that Eric Mangini finally anoints Seneca Wallace as his number one starting quarterback?” pool.
Pick: Falcons, 26-17
Chiefs at Colts-
Talk about a chance to prove everyone wrong, here it is. Seemingly everyone is dismissing the Chiefs 3-0 start as nothing more than just a stretch of good fortune which will eventually take a turn for the worse. Well, go into the Something-Something Oil Dome and knock of Payton Manning & people will start whistling a different tune. They’ll also likely start reading very loudly from Bibles and keeping an eye out for a plague of locusts, fire and brimstone falling from the sky, and Kirk Cameron riding in on a white stallion.
Pick: Colts, 31-17
Buccaneers at Bengals-
Here’s something that might surprise everyone who’s been trashing Carson Palmer this season; the Bengals have the #6 ranked passing offense in the NFL right now. That’s the good news. The bad news is that their running game is averaging just 92 yards per game. Some more food news is that the Bucs have been abysmal in trying to stop the run so far, allowing 4.8 yards per carry and over 141 yards per game. However, how bad can the Bucs be comparative to the Bengals when you consider that their only loss came two weeks ago at Pittsburgh, they beat the Panthers by the exact same score (20-7) as the Bengals, and they actually managed to beat the Browns, something that the Bengals weren’t able to accomplish. You know what? Too much analysis. Just hand the ball off to Benson a couple dozen times and let’s see what happens.
Pick: Bengals, 26-13
Packers at Redskins-
Green Bay’s running game has been almost non-existent since the season-ending injury to tailback Ryan Grant and word out of DC is that Clinton Portis will likely miss this Sunday with a groin injury. Man, I hate groin injuries. Although I must say that one of my favorite all-time songs is about a groin injury. Remember this classic from 198
Pick: Packers, 23-19
Eagles at Niners-
Mike Vick has to sit out this dance due to some kind of problem with his rib meat which means that Kevin KoLb (silent L, capital L) starts in his place. Speaking of quarterbacks and dancing, anyone catch Kurt Warner on Dancing with the Stars? He was horrible! And that suit he was wear.… Uh,I mean, me neither. I mean I heard about it but I’ve been too busy working on my car and using my power saw & stuff.
Pick: Niners, 20-17
Rams at Lions-
It’s Bradford v Stafford in the battle of the young guns, this Sunday only on FOX!
Maybe. Stafford’s right shoulder may be well enough for him to give it a go but maybe not. (How’s that for definitive reporting!) Detroit comes in winless but if there could ever be a “respectable” winless, this might be it. The Lions lost by five points in week one to the Bears after Calvin Johnson’s circus-style touchdown catch was reversed. Then they lost by three to the Eagles, by fourteen to the Vikings in Minnesota thanks to a couple of red zone turnovers, and were edged by just two points last Sunday in Green Bay. Meanwhile, the Rams (2-2) have gone through the murderers row of Arizona, Oakland, Washington and Seattle (loss, loss, win, win). The good news for the Lions, with or without Stafford, is that they’ve got this one at home. Good news because they’ve lost their last 23 road games. You could say they travel worse than the Griswolds.
Pick: Lions, 21-19
Bears at Panthers-
I was working on something (a toasted ham & cheese on wheat with a bottle of the High Life)while watching the Bears-Giants on Monday Night Football a couple nights ago so I’m not positive but is it correct that Jay Cutler was sacked nine times? In the first half? That’s right? Really? Holy crap. No wonder he left with a bruised sphincter. It was a concussion? Oh yeah, well that does make more sense actually. Cutler is understandably questionable for this Sunday at Carolina. Meanwhile, this guy is not impressed and/or quite possibly needs medical attention…
Pick: Tie, 5-5
Giants at Texans-
The Texans are #1 in the league running the ball and the Giants are a lowly #22 stopping the run. The Giants are pretty good throwing the ball (9th in the league) and the Texans are dead last in pass defense. So, who do you want- the team that’s likely to have an easy time running or the team who’s likely to have an easy time throwing? As this video will illustrate, I will always take the thrower instead of the runner…
Pick: Giants, 27-24
Titans at Cowboys-
It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Titans, 38-24-36
Saints at Cardinals-
Last season, this matchup would’ve been billed as a shootout in the Wild West but Arizona loses Kurt Warner to Dancing with the Stars (or so I’ve heard) and Anquan Boldin to the Ravens and their passing attack falls a few levels from FEARED to PITIFUL. They’ve gone from averaging 251 yards peassing per game in ’09 to just 150 per game through the air this season to go along with a #30, third worst in the league. I think it’s safe to say that a group hasn’t missed two people this much since Richie and Ralph left the Milwaukee suburbs to go join the army.
Pick: Saints, 27-16
Chargers at Raiders-
San Diego has the NFL’s #1-ranked offense and the #1-ranked defense. The Raiders? Well, they’ve got this guy…
Pick: Chargers, 24-17
Vikings at Jets-
A rolling stone may gather no moss but apparently a squeaky quarterback does. With virtually no one to throw to, Brett Favre has been making worse decisions this season than Don Draper halfway into a bottle of Canadian Club, tossing six interceptions already in just 97 attempts. So to rectify the problem, the Vikes sent a 3rd round pick in next year’s draft to The Hoodie for Randy Moss just in time for him to suit up against the J-E-T-S who also added a receiver this week by getting Santonio Holmes back from suspension. The big winner in all of this? This guy who just went from a “loser who can’t afford to slap down a fifty at the team store for an updated jersey” to “smart S.O.B. who held onto his Moss jersey”…
Pick: Jets, 17-16
Posted by Smitty