Oct 20, 2010
A Little Italian, The Beasties, The Lady Tickler Bowl, Bahama Brees, Midget Wrestling, Marisa Miller, the Kardashi, and a Surprise Shot to the Groin
So there’s this old Italian saying that goes, “Si sveglia tardi per scuola uomo, non hai vuole andare. Voi chiedete al vostro mom voglia ma lei dice ancora no.” Translated it means that although you cannot go back and make a brand new start, you can start from now and make a brand new ending. Week 7 of the NFL season is precisely the time when coaches of teams with poor records start giving speeches about putting the first six weeks behind them and the coaches of teams atop their divisions start making speeches about not getting complacent. It’s also about the time when enough game tape has been amassed and enough injuries have started to mount that the deeper teams with the more astute coaching staffs begin to make a move while the pretenders start to stumble. In other words, it’s when la crema starts to rise and the goombas are left behind.
We see the same ebb & flow and change of current almost everywhere we care to look. Our professions, our projects, our relationships are all started and restarted with the best of intentions but the ones which are successful, that sustain, are the ones we’re still working at diligently long after the thrill of it being new and exciting has faded away. It’s easy to make resolutions. It’s easy to get yourself to the gym on Jan. 2 and then again a couple weeks before you head out on that summer beach vacation. It’s easy to wake up on your honeymoon and make breakfast in bed for your sweetheart and then again ten years later on your anniversary with the kids spending the night at Grandma’s. What’s not easy is the in-between. Week 7 is the in-between. It’s the beginning of the grind that comes after the new car smell of the season has faded away, sitting still weeks away from the bright lights and attention of a final stretch drive to the playoffs. It’s the time when resolutions are broken, promotions are lost, romances are ended and NFL seasons slip away.
So who slips, who slides, and who starts to rise this weekend? I have my suspicions which I’m about to share with you in a moment but I have to warn you; I’m the guy who picked the Bengals and Cowboys to win their divisions this season and I’m also the guy who typed the Italian translation of the opening line from The Beastie Boys’ Fight for Your Right in the opening paragraph and passed it off as an old Italian proverb, so why would you ever want to trust me?
Now, on with the matchups….
Bengals at Falcons-
My mom used to tell me that if you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. My uncle used to say, “If you’ve got any girly pictures, let me see ‘em.” Okay then. It’s a little early in the matchups but what the heck….
It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Falcons, 27-20
Jaguars at Chiefs-
Better-than-expected starts by both of these teams were sobered with cold buckets of reality water being dumped on them last Sunday. But at least the Chiefs were competitive. The Jags, on the other hand, just rolled over to the Titans. It was pathetic and almost a bit disturbing to watch, especially when Trent Edwards came in and started doing his best Jake Delhomme impression. But one good thing did come out of it…. That’s right, wake up the roadies and gas up the buses, The Jack Del Rio Farewell Tour is back on and headed to Kansas City!
Pick: Chiefs, 24-16
Redskins at Bears-
According to statistics on the nfl.com website, Jay Cutler has been sacked 27 times already this season and he’s been hit another 45 times. Honestly, if he were a deer, there would be a patrolman standing over him on the side of the road with his standard issue, ready to humanely end his suffering. And yes, the rules state that the person who knocks him out for the season is permitted to tie him to their bumper and take him home. Or put him over your shoulder while riding your bike, whatever.
Pick: Redskins, 17-16
Rams at Buccaneers-
Raise your hand if you saw the Rams coming…… Liar!
Not only is Sam Bradford extending his lead over Nicholas and Tommy as the most famous Bradsord in history but he’s doing it by winning games with one of the most unimpressive corps of wideouts in the last decade. I’m stunned, I’m in awe, and I still say that a show titled Eight is Enough starring a guy named Dick Van Patten sounds more like a porno than a 70’s family comedy.
Pick: Buccaneers, 21-17
Eagles at Titans-
Philly’s most dangerous impact players are out this week due to, well, impacts. Mike Vick as a result of being sandwiched on an end zone dive a couple weeks ago and DeSean Jackson as a result of being pulverized by Dunta Robinson last Sunday. The Titans meanwhile are mainly healthy with Vince Young a bit gimpy but likely to start. As interesting and as relevant as all that might be, this game is going to be about one thing and one thing only…. MUSTACHES!
It’s Andy Reid’s high-flying Eagles in Tennessee to battle Jeff Fisher’s Titans….. It’s the Lady Tickler Bowl this Sunday on FOX!
Dignitaries expected to be on hand include Tom Selleck, Robert Goulet, Rollie Fingers, Mike Ditka, Geraldo Rivera, Ned Flanders, Jeff Foxworthy, John Oates, Borat, Richard Petty, and my sixth grade homeroom teacher Mrs. Grant. Oh, and this guy….
Pick: Titans, 23-20
Niners at Panthers-
Hey look kids, it’s the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Pick: Niners, 21-13
Browns at Saints-
Drew Brees and his wife celebrated the birth of their second child this past week. It’s their second boy and his name has yet to be announced. Apparently Drew took to Twitter to get input on names with the only qualification being that it begins with the letter “B”. Here were just a few of my submissions….
and of course…. Boilermaker
Pick: Saints, 28-14
Steelers at Dolphins-
Big Ben in South Beach! It’s really a shame that the Jersey Shore kids aren’t still down there in Miami. After all, they had room for Big Ben since Angelina left early. I’d have given it six hours before he wound up in the smoosh room with Snooki. And what a missed opportunity for The Situation. I know they would’ve been fast friends with Sitch showing Ben the benefits of juicing, how to avoid grenades, and introducing him to the wonderfully douche world of Ed Hardy while in return Ben teaching Sitch valuable life lessons such as how to utilize (allegedly) a captivating combination of fame, force, coercion and a team of bodyguards to nail a coed who is not exactly DTF.
Pick: Steelers, 24-16
Bills at Ravens-
Could you imagine being a Bills fan right now? It must feel a little like this….
Pick: Ravens, 27-10
Cardinals at Seahawks-
All of a sudden this has become a big game the battle for the top spot in the NFC West which makes it kinda like watching midget wrestling (or porn). Not that it’s not entertaining because Lord knows it is, but in the end it’s basically nothing more than a meaningless diversion that leaves you strangely unsatisfied and hating yourself a little for having watched.
Pick: Seahawks, 20-17
Patriots at Chargers-
Is this finally the year where the Chargers get off to a slow start and don’t suddenly get on a roll and blow past the rest of the division? Maybe. And it wouldn’t be surprising, even if they arguably have the most talented roster in the league. Because let’s be honest, no coach has managed to do less with more as consistently as Norv Turner. He’s like the Bizarro Belichick.
Pick: Patriots, 26-24
Raiders at Broncos-
With Jason Campbell and Bruce Gradkowski both ailing, Kyle Boller could get the start at quarterback for Oakland. Kyle vs Kyle (Boller vs Orton). If I’m the scoreboard operator at Invesco Field, I’m scouring the internet for as many G-Dammit Kyle! sound bites as I can find.
Pick: Broncos, 21-13
Vikings at Packers-
Word has it that Brett Favre met with NFL officials in New York earlier this week to discuss accusations that he exhibited unprofessional conduct and made lewd advances to a NY Jets employee while Favre was a member of the team in 2008. Fine, but please tell me they didn’t let him get anywhere near the NFL’s newest spokesperson, Marisa Miller, while he was up there. On a scale of one to Holy Mother of Hotcakes!, she’s a Holy Mother of Hotcakes!. If anyone’s going to make lewd advances to her, it’s gonna be me. Or my buddy Scotty Ballz. He’s probably stuffing photos into an envelope and spraying it with Axe cologne as I type. Oh yeah, and Favre is returning to Lambeau again. Is it okay to not be excited about that anymore? Great, thanks.
Pick: Vikings, 24-21
Giants at Cowboys-
I don’t know why the rest of the Cowboys are struggling but it’s not hard to figure out the problem for Miles Austin. If you hadn’t heard, and why would you have, he’s dating Kim Kardashian. Jesus, those sisters go through athletes like Don Draper goes through secretaries. And now he’s marrying one. Really Don? I liked him better when he was passing out drunk and getting slapped around by a call girl. Maybe Draper should hook up with one of the sisters. Not the tall one with the manly jaw, maybe the little one who’s married to the douchey alcoholic rich kid. What’s her name? Kourtney, Khloe, Kimberly? If he acts quickly (and has a time machine, and was a real person) maybe they could double date with Kim & Austin. I’m sure Austin could get them awesome seats for The Wade Phillips Farewell Tour.
Pick: Cowboys, 24-21
Posted by Smitty