No time for a lot of rambling this week. The Dane Cook "There's only one...OCTOBER!!" promos on FOX have caused me to develop some serious homicidal urges. As a matter of fact, as soon as I knock out this post, I'm gonna knock down some tequila, then me and this shovel are setting out on a roadtrip to find Dane Cook's smug little unfunny fuckface. Hell, even the new crop of hacks on SNL are making fun of him already...
Combine him with Tim McCarver's master-of-the-obvious color commentary, Joe Buck's over-rehearsed delivery, the mysterious and unnecessary off days between playoff games, and the ever-too-convenient and viewer-insulting "Hey, look who we just found" shots of Fox tv show cast members in the stands, and I come to just two conclusions:
1) Baseball is in the shitter
2) The NFL is king
And now on with the matchups because, There's only one...Palooza!!!
Michigan State at Ohio State-
Two weeks ago, #1 ranked USC lost to Oregon State. Last week, #1 LSU lost to Kentucky. This week, the #1 ranked Buckeyes hope to stop the trend and take care of business in the Horseshoe against Big 10 rival Michigan State.
You know, last week I talked about football rivalries and traditions, and Ohio State also has a great one. When the OSU band spells out the script “Ohio” at halftime and the whole dotting of the “i” thingy, it’s goosebumps time, fellas. There’s just something about a high-stepping tuba player that never fails to bring the house down. Personally, I love it so much that I re-create it each and every time I pee in the snow. As is my tradition, with the moonlight reflecting off of freshly fallen backyard snow, I carefully use my man hose to spell out “Ohio” and, right on cue, our garden gnome struts out with his miniature tuba and takes a bow at the top of the “i”. Then, the two of us sing “Hang on Sloopy”, get hammered on jello shots, and drive over to Mama Squintz’ place to take turns dotting her eye (if you know what I mean). Fun times. I like the winter.
Florida at Kentucky-
Does UK have it in them to slay two dragons in two weeks? Maybe. Let’s ask Tim McCarver his opinion…. So whaddya think Tim, can Kentucky, fresh off their upset of LSU, turn around and do the same to Florida this Saturday?
"Well, the Wildcats will have sixty minutes to score more points than the Gators. It’s gonna be important for them to score touchdowns and kick field goals. The more, the better. If they do that, I think they have an excellent chance."
Great, thanks Tim.
Titans at Texans-
Vince Young is questionable this week while awaiting the results of an MRI on his knee, injured in last week’s loss to the Bucs. But don’t mourn for him, he brought it upon himself.
It was….. his.... Destiny!
….speaking of Madden…
Buccaneers at Lions-
As John Madden would say, “So here you’ve got two quarterbacks, Garcia and Kitna. A-huh-ah-ahand what you’ve got is, you got a redhead versus a skinhead. Hubbaderborgodrobvldda, one guy with gay tendencies versus a guy with, you know, God tendencies. It uh, huhdgrblhghehdf, huh-huh, it should be a lotta fun. And I’ll tell ya, the guy who throws for the most touchdowns without throwing interceptions will probably win be the guy who wins this thing.”
He and McCarver should really consider becoming a superhero duo. Possibly more from me on that next week. Stay tuned.
Falcons at Saints-
Mark my words, the Saints will rebound from their 0-4 start and wind up winning that piss-poor NFC South. Yep, they're gonna take that title like a bully snatches up a free lunch. So what if they spotted the other teams an early lead. You know, it’s kinda like the equivalent of running a 100-yard dash and giving a 25-yard head start to three guys with cerebral palsy.
And yes, I know that was very unsensitive. I am sorry. I should never have insulted CP sufferers by comparing them to the Falcons, Bucs, and Panthers. My bad. Who wants a juice box? They're on me.
Ravens at Bills-
What’s the over/under on this barnburner? Ten? Maybe eleven?
Whatever it is, give me the under. And the remote. I’d rather watch reruns of The Golden Girls. That Blanche was one serious GILF!
Niners at Giants-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to New Jersey!!
Cardinals at Redskins-
How about that little QB sit-chee-a-shun they've got going on in Arizona? Leinart’s hurt, Warner’s hurt. Now they’re going with Tim Rattay, backed up by Tim Hasselbeck. Quite frankly, that sucks. But you know what doesn’t suck (or maybe they do. God I hope they do...), the Cards cheerleaders! Brooke and Jen are looking as healthy as ever! Hi girls!
Patriots at Dolphins-
6-0 vs 0-6
No chance for the Fish, you say? Yeah, well, uh, that’s also what they said about Appalachian State a few weeks ago before they went into Ann Arbor and smoked Michigan's ass. It’s also what they said to the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team before they iced the Russians in Lake Placid. It’s what they said about Jimmy V’s NC State Wolfpack right before they Phi Slamma Jamma’d the Houston Cougars. It’s what Apollo Creed said to Drago right before he took a 2nd round faceplant with a dirtnap chaser. It’s what they said to…… Um, what's that? Really?
Hey, uh, nevermind.
Chiefs at Raiders-
The Chiefs are 27th in the league in points scored. They’re 26th in offensive yardage. They’re 30th in rushing yardage. Their defense is 20th against the run. Damon Huard is their starting quarterback.
Add all this up and they are.... 3-3 and tied for first place in the AFC West.
Suffice it to say, our reporters are feverishly searching for details of Herm Edwards’ deal with the devil. I will pass along those details if and when they become available.
Jets at Bengals-
I hate to say this but this just may be the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Vikings at Cowboys-
So if Adrian Peterson is the Purple Jesus and Marvin Lewis is the Black Jesus, just who in the hell is the Blue Jesus?
You know that’s right!
Bears at Tinks (Eagles)-
From now on, whoever the Bears play will be referred to as the Tinks. Thanks to It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (how ironic), watch below to learn why.
Rams at Seahawks-
Much to my surprise, "The St. Louis Rams are now on the clock!"
I know the Dolphins are also 0-6 but they get a few cracks at the Jets & Bills, the Rams don’t. BTW, I picked the Rams as my “surprise” team in the NFC this season. Brilliant!
Steelers at Broncos-
Hey everybody, it’s time for this week's Cheerleader Posedown!!!
Wow. Just.....wow. I had no idea that DJ Jazzy Jerry's ex-girlfriends were Steeler fans.
Colts at Jaguars-
And finally, it's time for this week's pop quiz.
Peyton Manning's parents, Archie and Veronica, said Peyton had a unique habit when he was a youngster. Which of the following was his strange habit?
a) Calling his own play-by-play while playing Stratomatic football
b) Chewing off the ends of his Nerf footballs
c) Dressing up Eli as a girl and going on pretend dates with him in the basement
d) Dressing up his own penis in a miniature Saints jersey, drawing the fleur de lis on the head, agressively spanking it, and screaming "Why are you never here, Daddy?!"
e) b and d
f) all of the above
Answer: e) Except substitute "Nerf football" with "friends' weiners"
Have a wonderful weekend everyone!