Oct 24, 2007
Manny's Man Seed, Rocktober, Appletinis, Sexual Chocolate, Fish & Chips, a conversation with Jack Del Rio, and Mama Squintz' Polka Dance Party
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today, and four words sum up how I feel about the sports world right now.
Boston can suck it.
The Patriots are 7-0 and have four Super Bowl rings. The Red Sox are four wins away from their second title in three years. Boston College is currently #2 in the BCS rankings. And, the Celtics recently traded for KG & Jesus and look to be on their way back to the promised land.
If that’s not enough, their fans still have the nerve to sport an air of entitlement, playing the “we suff-ahd so long, we deserve this wicked run” card. You know what, take your baked beans, your chowder, your pasty-white-legged women, and go drive your used Mercedes right into the fucking haa-buh. Oh, and your closer is clearly gay (evidence below)
Also, your DH likes it freaky. Here’s a recently obtained private photo of Manny spraying his man seed all over Big Papi…
Oh and your first baseman likes to watch…
Wow. Goggles? Just exactly what is Manny sporting down there, a freaking fire hose?
You know, I used to root for the Sox. Yep, when they were suffering the Curse of the Bambino and their fans were jumping off bridges with every late season meltdown, their accents, angst, and excessive alcohol consumption seemed kinda cute. But now that (due to a horribly flawed payroll structure in the game) they’ve been winning, and winning big, the angst has turned into arrogance, they refer to themselves superiorly as Red Sox Nation, and they come across like a bunch of loudmouthed, cheering-way-too-loud parents watching their thirteen year olds putting the wood to some ten year olds. Seriously, look at that team; Schilling, Beckett, Manny, Ortiz, Daiske, Varitek, Drew,… there’s only two other places that could possibly house that many mega-millionaire stars- the Betty Ford Clinic and Yankee Stadium.
I know it’s not the team’s fault, their ownership is simply working within the parameters of the game as it currently exists, but their fans are getting waaay too excited and it’s starting to piss me off.
Newsflash for Red Sox fans:
YOU’RE TEAM SHOULD BE WINNING. THEY HAVE AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE OVER 80% OF THE LEAGUE. CALM DOWN AND QUIT ACTING LIKE YOU JUST SLAYED A DRAGON. YOUR TEAM IS THE DRAGON.
ALSO, BEN AFFLECK IS A HORRIBLE GAY ACTOR AND THAT CREAM PIE OF YOURS IS ACTUALLY A CAKE.
Nobody else has said it but I’ll go ahead and say it- the Red Sox’ success is tainted. That’s right, tainted. When baseball fans look back at this era (if there are any baseball fans left), they’ll look and recall two things: steroids and payroll imbalance. Hell, if you contend that Bonds’ HR record deserves an asterisk because his steroid use gave him an unfair advantage, don’t you also have to consider the unfair advantage for the large-market teams? Tell me, who had the bigger advantage over their competition, Bonds with some added muscle and hat size or the Red Sox, Yankees, and Mets with payrolls four, five, six times the size of their competition?
So go ahead and give Bonds an asterisk. You’ll get no argument from me. But while you’re at it, slap a double asterisk and a ?! onto the Red Sox and Yankees championship banners. You want a dynasty, go see the Oakland A’s and Cincinnati Reds of the 70’s. Look over to the Lakers and your beloved Celtics of the 80’s. How about Pittsburgh’s Steel Curtain, or how ‘bout dem Cowboys of the 90’s? Kryszewski’s Dukies, Wooden’s Bruins, even Pat Summit’s Lady Vols,…. Those were all teams that dominated without an unfair advantage. Those were teams and fan bases with the right to stick out their chests. The Red Sox are simply taking advantage of a situation while they can as Red Sox Nation pays witness and offers up standing ovations.
So, am I jealous? You’re goddamn right I’m jealous. But you know what quickly puts a smile back on my face? Knowing that Red Sox fans from here forward can only feel relieved, but never exhilarated. They were a fan base fueled for decades by the possibility of feeling the exhilarating rush that only the underdogs, the cursed, and fans of the underdogs and cursed could ever experience when overcoming seemingly unbeatable odds and reaching the pinnacle. They huddled together in their misery, wrapped themselves in it like it was a warm blanket on a cold winter’s night. It was a tie that binded their generations of their fans together. It also created an identity for their town. An exposed weakness which gave it an endearing quality. And now, sadly for them, it's been lost forever. Now they’re expected to win. Anything less is failure. Now they’re no different than what they themselves forever despised. Red Sox fans are now no different than.... Yankee fans. They too have become the hunted, the hated, and the never satisfied.
Meanwhile, those Rockies have won 21 of their last 22 and their fans would love nothing more than to feel that rush. There's only one fall classic. There's can be only one champion. There's only one...ROCKTOBER!
I'll bet Dane Cook is a card carrying member of Red Sox Nation.
Bleh, just mocking him makes me feel dirty. Ooh, and if I feel dirty, that can mean only one thing- it's time for this week's matchups!
Florida at Georgia-
The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party!
I’ll have some rum punch and my buddy Johnny B here would like one of your finest appletinis. And no, he’s not gay. At least not since that last trip to Vegas.
USC at Oregon-
The Cheerleader Posedown comes early this week!!!
God bless tight white sweaters and upskirt photos…
Cal at Arizona State-
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, there’s absolutely no good reason why Cal hasn’t changed their nickname from the Bears to the Ripkens.
Colts at Panthers-
Three words: Vinny. Testa. Verde.
Didn’t he used to play against Payton’s dad?
And his grandpa?
Lions at Bears-
Where are the Tigers? Oh my, we’re missing the tigers. We need the tigers!
Oh, here they are…
Steelers at Bengals-
Little known fact: Bengals running back Kenny Watson is the nephew of Randy Watson, lead singer of Sexual Chocolate.
Little known fact #2: TJ Houshmandzadeh is third in line to the throne of Zmunda. The proof is in the pony tail.
Giants at Dolphins (in London)-
I guess the Fish figure since they can’t win one in the states, they’d try to go across the pond and try their luck over there. Also, since they are in London, the NFL’s marketing department has temporarily changed the Giants to the “Chips” for this contest. And I gotta tell ya, whoever had the idea for the poster of Strahan squeezing Cleo Lemon onto the basket of Fish & Chips is a freaking genius.
Eagles at Vikings-
That loud sound you heard last week was the Eagles window of opportunity slamming shut. Jeff Garcia propped it open with a stick last November but it just couldn’t hold any longer. (I love metaphors.)
Now to an unbelievable stretch of shitty games. Amazingly, three of the following six teams are guaranteed to get a win this week. Unless of course they tie, which would be even more unbelievable.
Browns at Rams-
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Raiders at Titans-
It's Culpepper versus Collins, this Sunday on CBS!
Bills at Jets-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Texans at Chargers (somewhere that’s not currently on fire)-
The only thing hotter than a wild fire fueled by hot Santa Ana winds?
The Charger Girls, Helloooo!….
Jaguars at Buccaneers-
So once again class, it is very important to have a qualified backup quarterback just in case your starter happens to get injured. Yes, Mr. Del Rio……. Uh, no an undrafted rookie free agent from Florida A&M would not be considered qualified. I think you learned that lesson on Monday night……… Yes, Mr. Del Rio……No, he’s not qualified even if he looks so much like the starter that it’s hard for you to tell the difference……Anyone else have a ques-…Yes, Mr. Del Rio…… No, you’re not allowed to move up your bye week. Now if there are no more legitimate questions, let’s move on to our next topic, appropriate versus non-appropriate tools to use as tangible metaphors in the locker room…
Redskins at Patriots-
The big question everyone seems to be asking is whether the Pats will be able to run the table and go 16-0. But what I want to know is, when is that shirt coming off? Rawrrrr!
Saints at Niners-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to hell!
Packers at Broncos-
Time for this week’s pop quiz.
Which of the following will get higher television ratings in Denver on Monday night?
a) The Packers-Broncos game on ESPN
b) World Series Game 5 between the Rockies and Red Sox on FOX
c) Heroes on NBC
d) Reruns of The Real World: Denver on MTV
e) The premiere of Mama Squintz’ Polka Dance Party on Public Access Channel 267
Answer: This was a trick question. The most-watched of the choices live will be b). But when you factor in Tivo and DVR recordings, the answer is a tie between a) and b).
You seriously didn’t think the answer was going to be e), did you?
Posted by Smitty