Fitzy's Beard, A McRib Joke, Warding-Off Things, Prince, Principal Skinner, Seal Doing Pacino, Dermot Mulroney, Color Me Badd, and a Conspiracy

So, Andre Johnson tears off Cortland Finnegan’s helmet, throws a couple of haymakers at him and the Commish fines him just $25,000 and there’s no suspension? Really? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Johnson tried to beat him into the ground like a tent stake. Finnegan’s a dirty punk who started it and was baiting Johnson the whole game. Plus, his name is Cortland Finnegan, so that should be good for at least one mandatory beating per season. But at a time when defensive backs trying to make a play are getting fined and suspended for helmet to helmet contact while in the fast and frenzied chaos of a play, we have two guys who rip off each other’s helmets, start swinging at each other’s heads and neither gets an involuntary vacation? The statement issued by the NFL states that suspending Johnson would put the Texans at a “competitive disadvantage” for their game this Thursday Night against the Eagles. Uh, no kidding. And since when did the relative importance of a player to his team have any bearing on whether he gets suspended for actions which warrant a suspension? Did the Commish take that into consideration when he suspended the late Chris Henry? How about when he suspended Ben Roethlisberger? How about Brian Cushing? Vincent Jackson? Santonio Holmes? Antwan Odom? Johnny Jolly? No, he didn’t. But there’s one rather large difference between all of those players and Andre Johnson. The difference, as noted by many others in many other places already, is that those players didn’t have a game coming up the following Thursday Night on the NFL Network. You know, the network owned by the NFL? Thus the name, NFL Network. I don’t think we need Jessie Ventura’s Conspiracy Theory team to do any legwork on this one, do we?

It’s fair to note that the Raiders Richard Seymour was also fined $25,000 and not suspended for his one-punch fight and knockdown of ROFLsberger the week before. Seymour’s actions (as awesome as they were) also should have been met with a suspension. Suspending players for hitting another player in the head while his helmet is on but not suspending players for tearing off another player’s helmet and then proceeding to hit him in the head is preposterous. It’s like if cops started taking people to jail for non-alcohol related traffic accidents but decided to simply write tickets to anyone who decided to start pulling people out of their cars and beating them in the middle of the street.

Now I’m sure that the league’s PR people will find a new way to spin this by the time the Texans and Eagles kickoff on Thursday night but the damage has already been done. Both Roger Goodell and as a byproduct, the league itself, have lost some credibility over this matter. This is the type of blatant disparate greed-based treatment you’d normally only find in a Central American courtroom or a WWE storyline involving Vince McMahon. It’s a bad move by the NFL but there is a potentially very luminous bright side to all of this. If you’re an NFL player this week with an axe to grind and you’ve got $25,000 to spare, you can feel free, without fear of suspension, to rip another guy’s helmet off and start a round of rock’em sock’em right there on the field. Here’s hoping some players take the opportunity and the NFL turns into the NHL or maybe even the WWE for a weekend. And if you’re on a team playing in the NFL Network’s Thursday night game next week, you’re probably even safe if you want to come off the sidelines with a folding chair. Who’s playing next Thursday night anyway? The Colts and the Titans? Seriously? I’m looking at you, Cortland Finnegan.



Bring on the matchups!



Thursday Night

Texans at Eagles-

Philly’s secondary was exposed a bit last Sunday in Chicago but they’ve got a long way to go to be as bad as Houston’s . Their DBs have been exposed as easily shreddable since Week 1. You know what else is exposed? Me. Right now. I’m sitting at Panera Bread typing away and wearing just a bathrobe and my steel toed boots. I sometimes open the robe a little to let in a cool draft. They like me here.

Pick: Eagles, 30-20



Sunday

Bills at Vikings-

I was going to mention that Bills head coach Chan Gailey is the most famous man (if not the only one) in America named Chan. I was. But last week I mentioned right here in this space that Vikings interim head coach Leslie Frazier was now the second most famous man named Leslie, right behind Leslie Nielsen and then Leslie Nielsen died on Sunday. Since I don’t necessarily want Chan Gailey dead nor do I wish to tempt mysterious powers at work, I’ll instead talk about how spunky his team has been. Since their bye week , they’re 2-4 with the four losses being an overtime loss to the Steelers last week that slipped through Stevie Johnson’s fingers, an overtime loss to the Ravens, and losses to the Bears and Chiefs by just three points each. They’re spunky, spunky I tell you. The team is spunky and Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard is funky. It doesn’t mean they’re good, just spunky and funky enough to keep it close.



Pick: Vikings, 26-24





Browns at Dolphins-

We’re getting reports of a lot of moist thongs up in the Cleve-….I almost forgot, we’re talking about Cleveland, let’s start again…. We’re getting reports of a lot of moist thermal underwear and granny panties up in the Cleveland area over this Peyton Hillis kid. I can’t say I’m surprised. He’s a good-looking kid, good personality, built like a tank and running the ball like the 2000’s version of Larry Csonka. I’m guessing he’s soaking up all the adulation that was floating around searching for a benefactor after King James left town. Speaking of LeBron, I wonder if he’ll be in the stands for this one? Ten bucks says he is in the stands but he’s not wearing this….




Pick: Browns, 17-16





Jaguars at Titans-

So it looks as if the Rusty Smith Era in Tennessee is, um….over.
His legacy as a starting NFL quarterback, as it stands, is 0-1 with zero touchdowns, three interceptions, 138 yards passing and a QB rating of 26.7. Most pro quarterbacks could do better drunk and on one good leg. Just ask Joe Namath. In any case, it’s probably all for the best if for no other reason than the fact that Rusty is just a horrible name for a quarterback. If you want your son to grow up to be a successful NFL quarterback, do him and yourself a favor and do not name him Rusty. As a matter of fact, as a public service to all of you Dads out there, here’s a complete list of names you might want to stay away from when naming your sons…

Rusty
Shaky
Twitchy
Timorous (look it up)
Jumpy
Jittery
Nellie
Noodles
Daffy
Daisy
Sally
Befuddled
Boy George
Maladroit
Estupido
and Jamarcus

And if you’re a young man who has one of these names and aspire to be a successful NFL quarterback someday, may I suggest that you start going by your middle name, use your initials, change your first name altogether, or maybe even take a cue from Prince and switch your name to a symbol. If you like the symbol idea, be careful, because just like there are names to avoid, there are symbols you may want to make sure to stay away from as well. Here are some examples of those…












Pick: Jaguars, 20-10





Saints at Bengals-

This week, Drew Brees was named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year for leading the Saints to their first ever Super Bowl championship and also for his work in helping to lead the city of New Orleans back from the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina. In a related story, the Bengals stink like the stagnant sewage water that filled the streets of New Orleans shortly after the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina.

Oh, and before I forget, my wife sent me this video which I had completely forgotten about. What better way to pay tribute to Leslie Nielsen here this week than with this video. Unfortunately, it still sounds timely.




Pick: Saints, 31-17





Broncos at Chiefs-

Do you know what Josh McDaniels and the McRib have in common?
It looks like they’re both only going to be around for a limited time. zing!
McDaniels was ratted-out by a member of his staff last week for having knowledge of an unauthorized taping of a Niners practice the week both teams were in London and was subsequently fined $50,000 by the league. Apparently this did not sit well with owner Pat Bowlen who’s already got to be keenly aware that most Bronco fans want McDaniels gone yesterday. Bowlen issued a written statement a couple days ago and in it said, “…with five games left in the 2010 season, we will continue to monitor the progress of the team and evaluate what’s in the best interest of this franchise.” Not exactly a ringing endorsement. Plus, the better Jay Cutler plays in Chicago, the worse McDaniels looks. The better Brandon Marshall does in Miami, the worse McDaniels looks. The longer it takes Tim Tebow to throw passes in a meaningful game, the worse McDaniels looks. The better Bill Belichick does without him in New England, the worse McDaniels looks. There are also reports that McDaniels was recently spotted wearing white socks with dress sandals. If that turns out to be true, I’d bounce him before lunch.

Oh, and don’t forget that their game this Sunday is one that Chiefs head coach Todd Haley has had circled on his calendar in a ring of dried blood since minutes after their first matchup in Denver a few weeks ago. Haley accused McDaniels of running up the score on him and met him at midfield after the game with a pointed finger instead of a handshake. Me thinks that the suddenly recharged Chiefs offense could make turnabout fair play this weekend.







Pick: Chiefs, 44-20




Redskins at Giants-

It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time! (extra special video edition)












Pick: Giants, 28-13





Bears at Lions-

Bears offensive coordinator Mike Martz must’ve had a come-to-Jesus talk with someone because after watching his five-lane turnstile of an offensive line nearly get jay Cutler killed in the first half of the season, he’s gone more to the running game and to using a heavier mix of quick, three-step drops in the passing game. The result has been more completions, more touchdowns, less interceptions, and Cutler’s no longer losing feeling in his extremities, nor has he been found crawling away from the Bears practice facility anymore and mouthing “Help me” to passing motorists.

Pick: Bears, 23-10





Niners at Packers-

I noticed a couple weeks ago that Niners head coach Mike Singletary wears a fairly large wooden cross around his neck while patrolling the sidelines.



He’s either making a grand statement for his faith or he’s warding off evil spirits, or both. Actually, for all I know he could also have cloves of garlic in his pocket and be protecting himself from vampires. I got that right, didn’t I? yeah, crosses and garlic ward off vampires, silver bullets are for werewolves, and foam cheese heads ward off attractive women.




Pick: Packers, 24-13





Raiders at Chargers-

Principal Skinner has the Electric Sperm Army performing like a well-oiled machine ready to roll over anyone or anything in its way throughout the rest of the season until they ultimately fall apart in the playoffs with a whimper, a few gurgles and then accentuated with a well-timed puff of black smoke.






Pick: Chargers, 34-17





Falcons at Buccaneers-

The 7-4 Bucs are now 7-0 against teams with losing records and 0-4 against teams with winning records. The Falcons are 9-2. But, as our favorite Oompa Loompa, Lee Corso, is fond of saying, “Not so fast my friend!” The Bucs gave the Ravens a good fight last week, they’re playing this one in Tampa, and it just feels like the Gods of NFL Parity are due to smack the Falcons in the ass. Plus, Raheem Morris’ tirade at the officials last Sunday was epic. It was like watching Seal do an impression of Al Pacino in Glengarry Glen Ross. After seeing that, there’s no way his team doesn’t go balls-out for him this Sunday.







Pick: Buccaneers, 24-21





Cowboys at Colts-

If the Colts season was an old Cowboys & Indians movie, Peyton Manning would be on his back, tied to the railroad tracks with a train steaming around the bend and all of his compadres lying injured in the weeds. Good thing for him it’s not a Cowboys & Indians movie. It’s really more of a romantic comedy. I’m expecting Dermot Mulroney to show up any minute now and propose to him.




Pick: Colts, 23-16





Rams at Cardinals-

Good Lord, the NFC West is simply a travesty. It’s a travesty wrapped in a mockery, covered in disgrace and jammed inside the anus of a shameful and inept platypus. Honestly, I haven’t seen a group of four members this untalented and unentertaining since Color Me Badd broke up in 2000.




Pick: Rams, 27-13





Panthers at Seahawks-

The John Fox Farewell Tour heads to Seattle!

Pick: Seahawks, 23-13





Steelers at Ravens-

Over/Under on the number of players who will have to get helped off the field in this game: 6

Over/Under on the number of players who I’d like to see have to get helped off the field in this game: 26

Over/Under on the number of quarterback sacks in this game: 9

Over/Under on the number of times I’d like to see ROFLsberger get sacked in this game: 49

Over/Under on the number of times my buddy Mike will yell out “(Blank) a bunch of Steelers” at the television while we’re watching this game: 14

Over/Under on the amount of Sam Adams that gets downed at my place during this one: 72 ounces more than I will be able to remember


Pick: Steelers, 24-20





Monday Night

Jets at Patriots-

The Jets built their defense to beat New England with Revis, Cromartie and Leonhard in the secondary. Shortly after they beat the Patriots in Week One, Bill Belichick dealt Randy Moss away for draft picks, mandating the reinvention of their offense on the fly, and now has the league’s #1-ranked offense mainly by throwing to their two young tight ends and to former Jet Danny Woodhead out of the backfield. He is an evil genius.

Pick: Patriots, 26-21

Giving Thanks, WKRP, the AMAs, WIlford Brimley, Stormtroopers, the USC Song Girls, Gus Johnson and a Parking Fail

So it’s Thanksgiving week, a time to get together with family we like and family we don’t like to eat too much, maybe drink too much and give thanks for all of our blessings. Just in case I drink too much and pass out before we say grace, I wanted to put down in writing most of the things that I’m thankful for so that I can print it out and pin it to my shirt. Here goes….

This Thanksgiving, I’m most thankful for:
My wife and daughters, my Dad, sisters, nephews, nieces and in-laws, still having a job, my huge wiener, my ability to exaggerate, KFC’s new Doublicious sandwich, my friends, Makers Mark 46, adults who speak with a lisp, Sofia Vergara holding a handgun, my flat screen LED television, the collective works of Pink Floyd, the color blue, the collective works of Huey Lewis and the News, crisp autumn mornings, Cocoa Krispies, Krispy Kremes, Twinkies, Sour Patch Kids, the use of my thumbs, terrycloth bathrobes, Zach Galifinakis, Greek salads, Peggy Olsen, Charlie Day, Green Man, Red Vines, the Blues, the White Stripes, the collective works of Chuck Klosterman, the DVR, the uncanny ability of complete strangers to identify my need for personal space and to leave me the hell alone, good conversations, that I’m a people person, those E-Trade commercials with the talking baby, the Adam Carolla Podcast, Chipotle burritos, bikinis, miniskirts, sweater monkeys, girls with short skirts and a long jackets, Chesters Pizza, movies, water, bacon, bananas, goetta, Manwich meals, The Rockford Files on DVD, my iPod Touch, the English language, my college degree, my fantastic collection of neckties, my ability to keep a secret, cold water, that Tommy is cheating on Gina with Stacy and nobody knows about it except for me and now all of you, hot water, hot towels, hot sauce, Cincinnati chili, the oceans, the mountains, the forests, the sun, the moon, the stars, all of God’s creatures with the exception of Joy Behar, Keith Olbermann, Lady Gaga, Nancy Grace, Janeane Garofalo, Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jung Il, Ben Roethlisberger and snakes…., magnolia trees, Mountain Dew Icees, Heath Bars, Irish pubs, baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, getting laid, football, basketball, all sports except Quidditch which is just a serious cry for help, , the inability of 17th and 18th century native American Indians to properly appraise the value of land, and that I was born into the greatest damn nation in the history of the world- the United States of America.

Now if you would, please pass the gravy and Bring on the Matchups!




Turkey Day

Patriots at Lions-

Someday the Lions will be tougher than a truck stop turkey leg and they’ll knock the stuffing out of some unsuspecting team on Thanksgiving in front of the whole country. Sadly for Lions fans, that someday is not this Thursday. This Thursday, they’re likely to get rolled, mashed like a potato, candied like a yam and sliced up like a pumpkin pie.
(I know that was lame but my pal Johnny B. was drunk the other night and offered me five dollars for each mention of a Thanksgiving Day food on the blog this week, so I figured I’d get it out of the way early. Johnny, you owe me thirty dollars.)


Pick: Patriots, 31-20





Saints at Cowboys-

The ‘Boys have won two straight since Jason Garrett took over as interim head coach. Jerry Jones is apparently so impressed that he asked the league office if he could take the interim tag off and go ahead and give Garrett the official title without adhering to the Rooney Rule, which states that you must interview at least one qualified minority candidate for any head coaching vacancies. The league said no, unless it is determined that Garrett is actually one of the Wayans Brothers dressed up in white face.


Pick: Saints, 24-13





Bengals at Jets-

I’m out of words to describe the crime scene otherwise known as The Cincinnati Bengals 2010 Season. Please enjoy this classic clip and keep in mind that the management at WKRP was NASA-like in its preparation and quality control compared to what’s been going on in the offices at Paul Brown Stadium. And now, quite appropriately, I give you the execution of a horrible game plan involving turkeys and disaster in Cincinnati….

WKRP Turkey Drop from Mitch Cohen on Vimeo.

Pick: Jets, 30-14






Sunday

Jaguars at Giants-

The Jags are averaging 22 points per game on offense.
The Giants are allowing opponents to score an average of 22 points per game.
The Giants are averaging 25 points per game on offense.
The Jags are allowing opponents to score an average of 27 points per game.
You do the math.

Pick: Giants, 26-22





Vikings at Redskins-

So the Vikes finally cut loose Brad Childress. The players and many of the fans sitting in the second level seats in the Metrodome who were often blinded by the lights reflecting off of Childress’ sweaty bald head are very thankful for this move. It also elevates defensive coordinator Leslie Frazier to interim head coach and instantly vaults him to #2 on the current list of Most Famous Men Named Leslie, right behind Leslie Nielsen and just ahead of Leslie Cochran. Who’s Leslie Cochran? Surely you’re kidding?





Pick: Vikings, 24-19


I’m really sorry about that. Here, let’s cleanse the visual palate….




We all good mow? Okay, moving on….




Packers at Falcons-

Reheat the Turkey Day leftovers and grab yourself a sixer! I’m as excited as a ten year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert just thinking about this one. Speaking of that Bieber kid, did anyone else watch The American Music Awards last week? Of course you didn’t , and why would you? Well, just in case your wife recorded it like mine did, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version to save you both the pain of watching it:

Rhianna lip synching, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber’s hair, Hannah Montana flanked by rappers, Kid Rock mailing it in, Fergie’s legs, Bieber, Bieber, Katy Perry’s boobs lip synching, Bieber praying, a shell of the former Bon Jovi, pregnant Pink lip synching, Taylor Swift looking all grown up and not lip synching (how dare her), Bieber, Usher, Bieber, Usher, a now thick-thighed Christina Aguilera, a lame Train song, a Lady Gaga wanna-be, a Santana-Gavin Rossdale disaster, Bieber, weird Old Navy commercials, more Bieber, more Bieber, more Bieber, New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys.


Pick: Bieber and the Packers, 27-23







Panthers at Browns-

The John Fox Farewell Tour heads to Cleveland and hey, look kiddies, it’s also our Tryptophan Game of the Week!



Pick: Browns, 20-10





Steelers at Bills-

The loud thud you are about to hear is the Bills offense crashing back down to earth. The even louder thud you may be hearing right now is the sound of Ben ROFLsberger being punched in the face last Sunday by Richard Seymour. I’ve been playing it on a loop in my office non-stop for the last four days.



Pick: Steelers, 20-10






Titans at Texans-

I called Jeff Fisher to see if he wanted to make our annual pilgrimage to the Wilford Brimley Memorial Mustache Aficionados Convention this weekend but his secretary said that he’ll be spending Black Friday (no pun intended) in line to return Vince Young. I sure hope he didn’t get him at Dillard’s, those ladies are real sticklers about the tags still being on the merchandise. Excuse me? Really? Wilford Brimley’s not dead? Well, that’s weird.




Pick: Texans, 24-20






Chiefs at Seahawks-

Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel goes up against his old college coach Pete Carroll who made him sit the bench for four years at USC. That could be interesting. You know what else is interesting? The USC Song Girls.









Any excuse, you know what I’m sayin’?

Pick: Chiefs, 27-24






Dolphins at Raiders-

It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!










Pick: Raiders, 19-13






Eagles at Bears-

Mike Vick takes his streak of 191 pass attempts without an interception into the Windy City against a Bears defense which is tied for 2nd in the league with 15 picks this season. More importantly, Eagles head coach Andy Reid will have to board a plane within 48 hours after Thanksgiving dinner. This will be a good test for the new airport security pat downs. In particular, it will answer the question of whether someone will be able to pass through this increased security while smuggling a half pound of turkey scraps, stuffing crumbs, pie crust and half of a wishbone in their lady tickler.

Pick: Bears, 23-20






Buccaneers at Ravens-

Raise your hand if you knew the Bucs record was 7-3. Liar!
They’ve flown under the radar mainly because they’ve gotten to 7-3 without a quality win. They’ve beaten the Browns, the Bengals, the Rams, the Cardinals, the Niners, and the Panthers (twice). In other words, seven wins against teams with a combined record of 17-44. In their three games against teams with a winning record, Tampa Bay has gone 0-3 and been outscored 96-40. They remind me of this guy named Travis who hung out a west side bar we used to frequent back in the early 90’s. Travis was skinny with glasses, a cheesy mustache, liked to roll the cuffs of his acid washed jeans and always seemed about five years older than everybody else. He constantly struck out with any girl who was hot and/or had half a brain but he was a friggin’ hit with any chick who had a skin condition, excess facial hair, excess body weight, a butter face, or was drunk beyond at least three times the legal limit.

Pick: Ravens, 21-14





Rams at Broncos-

The Wild Goats vs the Wild Horses in the Wild West! It’s gonna be one heckuva Mild time!
Did you see what I did there? You were expecting Wild but I typed Mild. I’ve told you before, I’m clever. Seriously though, this one has all the drama of a Tyler Perry movie. It’s just two teams with so-so records who are kinda still in their divisional races but even if they do somehow make the playoffs won’t make any noise. Outside of Rams fans, Broncos fans and hardcore gamblers who put down this month’s rent on this one, this game cannot possibly excite you. If it does, then either your name is Gus Johnson and/or you really need to put down the meth pipe.



Pick: Broncos, 23-17






Chargers at Colts-

Here we have two solid teams wearing white helmets who are still hanging in there despite having lost more than their fair share of players this season. You know another group that fits that description? That’s right, the stormtroopers. Now I’m not a big Star Wars fan, in fact, I’ve only seen the original three and thought they all kinda sucked. But, I do love me the funny stormtrooper pics.


















Pick: Death Star Chargers, 26-20





Monday Night

Niners at Cardinals-

If you watch this game, and you know you probably will, whenever the Cardinals offense is on the field, think about this video and see if you notice the resemblance….



Pick: Niners, 19-12

A Blackout, The Golden Child, Mt. Greenie, Del Rio's DWTD, Daniel Snyder's Anus, Running Into Your Ex, Hasselwursts, and a Potential Pwnage

So the Bengals game is blacked out this Sunday. It's the NFL's way of saying, "Hey, you don't want to fil up a 60,000 seat publicly funded stadium to watch an underachieving 2-7 football team play against a horribly untalented 1-8 football team? Fine. Then, we're not televising it. Take some time to think about what you've done and come back out when you're ready to apologize." Really? Screw you, NFL. As far as I'm concerned this is the equivalent of a mercy killing. If this horsecrap game was televised, I would, like a junkie with a silver tray of cocaine placed in front of him, not be able to resist the temptation. Taking it off the air means that I can start the rehab process without distraction this Sunday.


And for those of you with tickets who don't want to waste them and are going just for the socializing, I have a request. Wear black. All Black. Black shirts or jerseys, black pants, black hats, black shoes, black gloves, scarves and earmuffs if necessary. Go collectively like a Johnny Cash army. With a little twist and tongues planted firmly in cheek, make it a Blackout like UC does when all the students wear black at Nippert (and every other college does at least once a year now). As a matter of fact, this should be modus operandi from here forward. No more corporate bailouts with last minute ticket buys to ensure a sellout. If that happens, we boycott those businesses. And we the fans enter into a gentlemen's agreement to stop at least one seat short of a sellout. No one buys the last available ticket. If you do, we tie you to a log and send you down the river. This will enable those who attend the game to be part of a movement and a perverbial thumb in the eye of the NFL and, of course, Mike Brown. And it will take temptation off the table for those who want to kick this horrible addiction. Spread the word.



Now, bring on the matchups!




Thursday Night

Bears at Dolphins-

The Fish lost their top two quarterbacks last Sunday against the Titans. Henne’s out with a bad knee and Pennington’s out for the season with an injured shoulder. This means three things: 1) somebody in the Sporano family is likely to “pay a visit” to Titans practice sometime this week, 2) Tyler Thigpen will get the start at quarterback, and 3) we’re gonna see a whole bunch of The Wildcat sneak back into their playbook real fast. And for those of you who are not familiar with Tyler Thigpen, here’s what you need to know… Tyler was born and raised in South Carolina, attended Coastal Carolina University and is a three year NFL veteran. Tyler is an Aries who likes football, hayrides, collecting Archie comics and long walks on the beach. If you’d like to meet Tyler, he’ll be at Sun Life Stadium this Sunday. He’ll have a very confused look on his face and will be the one wearing the only one wearing a white #16 jersey.


Pick: Bears, 20-16





Sunday

Ravens at Panthers-

Like the Dolphins, the Panthers may also be down to their #3 quarterback. Due to Matt Moore being placed on IR and Jimmy Claussen suffering a concussion last Sunday, Carolina will turn to rookie Tony Pike. Tony is a native of Cincinnati and a graduate of the University of Cincinnati. He’s a Pisces who likes football, video games, autumn sunsets, and he dabbles in kite making. If you’d like to meet Tony and have passed our screening process, you can find him this Sunday afternoon on the field at Bank of America Stadium. He’ll be the tall skinny guy in the black #16 jersey laying on the ground and wincing a lot.


Pick: Ravens, 28-13






Bills at Bengals-

After last week’s performance, Carson Palmer now has thrown a career NFL record 91 straight interceptions which were not his fault. To Palmer’s credit, he took the responsibility for the picks but as is customary, no one that Palmer reports to would put any of the blame on his shoulders. He’s become the epitome of a Golden Child. I just can’t believe that up to this point we haven’t seen Eddie Murphy show up to rescue him from a large gilded cage suspended in the middle of a temple and whisk him away to safety. Not that he would but it’s gotten to a point where I believe Palmer could throw eleven interceptions this Sunday, pull his pants down and defecate on the field, set fire to the locker room, walk up into the stands and run a Samurai sword through a concession worker, publicly sodomize the mascot, and Marvin would blame the wide receivers and tight ends for running the wrong routes, the offensive line for poor pass protection, the locker room furniture for not being fire retardant, the concession worker for being too mouthy and the mascot for dressing too provocatively.




Pick: Bills, 23-20





Texans at Jets-

After two straight overtime wins against the Bills and the Browns, I can’t tell if the Jets are lucky, good, both or neither. All I know is that I want the Jets to lose. I want them to lose often, lose badly, and if possible, lose their quarterback, I want these things simply with the hope that it would lead to the emotional if not complete and utter demise of Mike Greenberg. If you don’t know who that is, consider yourself blessed. But for purposes of clarity, he is known as “Greenie”, the skinny and uber-annoying half of ESPN’s Mike & Mike radio show, and he’s the only thing that stands between me and an enjoyable ride to work listening to sports radio. Listening to him is akin to listening to the dorkiest kid in your junior high talking through his nose about sports and crack unfunny jokes while simultaneously scratching his nails across a chalkboard. To make things worse, he loves the Jets and has what can only be described as an unhealthy infatuation with Mark Sanchez. As I’ve mentioned before, my hope is that someday a horrible Jets losing streak couple with the demise of Mark Sanchez will cause Greenie to climb to the top of his own huge ego and jump off, leaving nothing but a greasy spot on the pavement left by his metro sexual hair gel. In my mind, it goes something like this….

Golic: Greenie! Hey Greenie, where are you?


Greenberg: I’m up here, Golic.


Golic: Up where?


Greenberg: Put down the breakfast burrito and look up.


Golic: Oh, hey. What are you doing up on Mt. Greenie?


Greenberg: Mt. Greenie?


Golic: Yeah, that’s what the rest of us here call your ego.


Greenberg: What?! I don’t have an ego.


Golic: Oh yes you do Greenie and it’s huge.


Greenberg: No, I don’t.


Golic: You do.


Greenberg: I do not have a huge ego and quite frankly, I resent the implication.


Golic: Oh yes you do, you just haven’t noticed it because it’s hidden behind so much faux humility and disingenuous self-deprecation.


Greenberg: Those are big words for you, Golic, be careful not to hurt yourself.


Golic: Me be careful? You be careful. What are you doing way up there anyway?


Greenberg: I can’t take it anymore. The Jets are terrible, Mark Sanchez is done and he also renewed the restraining order against me…. It’s all just too much. I’m going to end it all, Golic. I mean it.


Golic: No you’re not. Come on down from there and we’ll talk.


Greenberg: Nope, you can’t change my mind, I’m gonna do it. I’ve already talked it over with my shrink on the Subway Fresh Take Hotline and I’ve also left a six hundred page note explaining my reasons and offering my goodbyes and thanks to all of our sponsors, all of our guests who have so graciously let me kiss their backsides without shame and to all of our friends like Shefty, CC, Stink, Buster, Starky, Mort, and anyone else with an annoying nickname with whom we’ve worked over the last decade.


Golic: Greenie, I’m not going to tell you again. Get down here right now.


Greenberg: No way. I’m not coming down and you can’t make me. By the way, everyone’s looking at me, right? Is my hair okay?


Golic: Yes, everyone’s looking at you and they think you’re ridiculous.


Greenberg: Good, I mean, I’m glad they’re looking. Please remind everyone that we were on Letterman a couple of times.


Golic: Get down here now or I’m going to dump out your Axe cologne and throw away your cuticle repair kit.


Greenberg: Okay, okay, I’m coming down but (startled, he looks behind him)… Hey, who are… AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! ……… thud.


Golic: Oh now that’s just disgusting. Hey, someone go get Eric Kuselias to take over for Greenie. Eric! Where is Kuselias?


Assistant: He’s up there eating breakfast on Mt. Kuselias.


Golic: Where’s Mt. Kuselias?


Assistant: Right over there across the valley from Mt. Van Pelt, in the shadows of the Berman Mountain Range.


Aaaaand scene.


Pick: Jets, 27-19





Raiders at Steelers-

Last week I called for Karma to finally show up in Pittsburgh and, well, she came through in a big way. To ensure a repeat performance from her, I’ve taken measures to put her up for the week in a nice suite at an undisclosed hotel in downtown Pittsburgh and I’ve also arranged for security and transportation to and from Heinz Field this Sunday. I’ve also stocked the suite with a gross of wax candles, handcuffs whips, ball gags, trays of fresh catered oysters on the half shell and clams casino, plus the complete collections of Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place on DVD. It turns out that Karma is a little freak with a soft spot for Aaron Spelling creations.




Pick: Raiders, 19-17





Browns at Jaguars-

While the Browns have been grabbing attention by knocking off the Pats, the Saints, and taking the jets to overtime, the Jags have quietly been surviving. In case you hadn’t noticed, the Jack Del Rio Farewell Tour has been put on hold indefinitely and last Sunday the Jags knocked off the Texans thanks to a last minute turnover, an ill-timed penalty, and a Hail Mary from midfield that was slapped right into the waiting arms of rookie wide receiver Mike Williams. Of course, as soon as I saw that “miracle”, I immediately called my undercover reporting team to check on any possible deal between Del Rio and the devil. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that my undercover reporting team was already on a story trying to confirm a rumor that Stuart Scott’s lazy eye is actually well-disguised bomb planted by a Somalian terrorist group whose plans are to remotely detonate it the next time Stu gets within twenty five feet of the President. So I then called Jessie Ventura’s Conspiracy Theory reporting team. They were able to quickly confirm that there is indeed a deal between Coach Del Rio and the Prince of Darkness. The terms of the deal are allegedly as follows: a winning record for the Jaguars this season in exchange for one-third of Del Rio’s soul, a signed picture of Del Rio wearing nothing but a Jaguar-printed banana hammock, and the Jag’s second round draft pick in 2001 which will be spun off to Lovie Smith to help complete a pending deal between Satan and the Bears.


Pick: Jaguars, 20-17





Cardinals at Chiefs-

Last Sunday, while getting torched by the Broncos 49-29, Chiefs head coach Todd Haley was more than a little cheesed off because he thought the Broncos kept their foot on the gas a little too long by leaving their starters in the whole game. Waaahh! Instead of shaking Josh McDaniel’s hand, he greeted him with a pointed finger and a few choice words. Waaahh! Luckily for him, this week his team faces the Cardinals who couldn’t run up the score on anyone if they wanted to. Speaking of the Cardinals, Haley was their offensive coordinator in 2007 and 2008. A careful inspection of the Cardinals games in 2007 and 2008 shows that they beat up on the Buffalo Bills by a score of 48-19 on Dec. 30, 2007, scoring 17 points in the final quarter and the records also show that then-stud quarterback Kurt Warner took every snap for Arizona, staying in the game until the end. Nobody likes a crybaby and nobody likes a hypocrite. Haley’s both. Crybaby/Hypocrite is a terrible combination, right up there with Fat/Stupid, Whiny/Lazy, Ugly/Conceited and Nudist/Irritable Bowel Sufferer.




Pick: Chiefs, 27-17





Redskins at Titans-

Before last week’s Monday Night game, it was announced that Donovan McNabb (who’s 34 years old next week and was benched a couple games ago) was given a five year contract extension worth $74.5 million. If I’m the DC police chief, I’m sending a couple vice cops out to search Dan Snyder’s car, house, boat, office, and anus for hallucinogens.


Pick: Titans, 24-16






Lions at Cowboys-

Well it looks as if I greatly underestimated the ability of interim head coach Jason Garrett. Either that or I greatly underestimated the sucking power of departed head coach Wade Phillips. I will not make those mistakes ever again.


Pick: Cowboys, 112-3. Wait, make that Cowboys, 119-0






Packers at Vikings-

You know how when you file for divorce then your Ex is so mad at you that she goes and marries someone you hate just to get back at you, then after you’re also remarried, you hear that your Ex and her new husband are having problems, then one day you just happen to run into them at the store and they both look worn out, beaten down and generally just miserable, then you briefly let go of your new wife’s hand long enough to jump up, raise your left arm in the air, point at your Ex with your right hand and laugh hysterically until they finally just turn and walk away?
No? Well me neither but my friend Johnny B tells me that it’s an absolutely euphoric experience. Anyway, in case you hadn’t guessed by now, “You” in that scenario are the Packers and “Your Ex” is Brett Favre. And if the rumors are true, Brett Favre’s soon to be Ex is right here….




Pick: Packers, 26-20






Seahawks at Saints-

It may come as a bit of a surprise that the Saints are #1 in the league in passing. No? Oh I’m sorry; you thought I meant passing offense. No sir, passing defense. That’s right, and you know what also may come as a bit of a surprise? The Seahawks have the league’s 30th-ranked offense. Okay, so that’s not much of a shocker but this one should knock you for a loop…. Matt Hasselbeck and I went out for drinks to discuss a potential business venture last night and he got wrecked on vodka martinis and Jager bombs, tripped on the steps coming out of the bar and broke two ribs. So despite what you may have heard or read, don’t count on him coming back from that concussion and playing this Sunday.

Okay so that was a complete lie. Except for the business venture part. We met over coffee and scones to discuss putting his name and likeness on a new brand of white bratwursts. We’re gonna call them Hasselbrats. Each one will be an exact replica of his boxers banana. I also have meetings set up to discuss Breeswursts, Bradywursts, Roethlisweiners, Favre Franks, and Vick Big Red Smokeys. And just in case you’re wondering, yes, I have the patents pending. I also have some molds if you or your girlfriend are interested.




Pick: Saints, 31-17






Falcons at Rams-

It’s the ATL vs the STL at the EJD. I wonder if HMFIC will turn out to SB or MR, or that maybe it will be the RW Show unless there are more INTs than TDs and in that case the HMFIC could be a DB. We should get some MGDs or some PBRs and watch it on my LED and keep it on the DL. LOL. TTYL.
I hate myself.


Pick: Falcons, 24-13






Buccaneers at Niners-

Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!Pick:


Bucs, 21-16






Colts at Patriots-

It’s Manning vs Brady VII

The following facts come to you courtesy of coldhardfootballfacts.com….
Manning and Brady have faced each other six times. New England has won each game, outscoring Indy by an average score of 31.8 – 17.5 – nearly a 2-to-1 margin. Brady has clearly outshined the two-time regular-season MVP. In fact, it’s not even close. Here’s how their numbers stack up in those six contests:

Brady: 121 for 180 (67.2%), 1,322 yards, 10 TDs, 4 INTs, 98.0 passer rating.
Manning: 137 for 234 (58.5%), 1,542 yards, 9 TDs, 10 INTs, 73.3 passer rating.
I don’t know how things went down where you grew up but on the west side of Cincinnati 7-0 was a skunk, yo momma’s a drunk and yo sista's got too much junk in the trunk. If Brady and the Pats beat him again, they should yell SKUNK! and there should be a postgame ceremony at midfield with Brady slapping a PWNED sticker on Manning’s helmet.




Pick: Patriots, 31-20





Giants at Eagles-

All that was missing from Mike Vick’s performance in DC last week was a pair of black sunglasses, a long black cassock and a bunch of Agent Smiths trying to take him down. I was fully expecting at any moment to see Laurence Fishbourne emerge from the sideline, refer to Vick as The One and take him away to see the Oracle.




Pick: Eagles, 27-17






Monday Night

Broncos at Chargers-

I can’t help thinking that I forgot something. What is it, what is it…. Oh yeah, it’s time to apply some more whiskey to the back of my throat. And it’s also Cheerleader Posedown Time!










Pick: Chargers, 31-23